It was weird. Tonight I got done with the things I needed to do and wanted to set off to have some down time with God, but for once, I didn’t know what to do. Normally I have some inkling or leading one way or another, but I was actually at a loss. I found myself going to my room to see what God would lead me to do. As I was sitting on my floor, I looked at the very bottom shelf of my bookcase that has all of my handwritten journals. My fingers ran over them as I picked out my green leather one. I couldn’t remember when I started it, but I opened the pages regardless. Out of it fell a clump of papers. I have many of these clumps of papers together, as I type a lot of things out on my computer and then print them to read it later. I was even looking at many of the clumps I have up by my bed the other night. I had forgotten this clump of papers though.
What I found were my notes for speaking at Summer Crusade this past summer, August 15, 2007. God led me to speak on faith that night, and the main passage He gave me was Matthew 17:14-21:
When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. “Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. I brought him to your disciples but they could not heal him.” “O unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” Jesus rebuked the demon and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment. Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “why couldn’t we drive it out?” He replied, “because you have so little faith, I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” With this passage, God led me to share my own testimony of faith that has been a common theme throughout my life, that being of having a hearing loss and trusting God for the healing of it. Last summer was the time God began speaking tremendously to me specifically about the healing of my hearing loss. He began to bring something into fruition I had come to know two years prior when my eyes were first opened to the passage of The Boy Born Blind in John 9. He began to open up my ears for the first times. I remember the music that night at the Mill as I heard with Jesus’ ears, not my own. He began to show me what it was to ask boldly in His name, trusting that He hears. He began to fulfill prophecy manifested in my life, such as Isaiah 35:3-5:
“Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way, say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear, your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.” Then the eyes of the blind will be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.” He started me on the path of beginning to leave behind everything I have known in my life with my hearing loss, and walking onward in faith. He brought me back to His purpose not just in this healing, but in my entire life: that I may know Him more and love Him more, and regardless of anything that did or did not happen, that I may be able to walk onward and praise Him. I began praying with the elders of my church, calling upon the truth in James 5:
Is anyone of you sick? He should call on the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. He began these intermittent times of open ears. He began so many things last summer. I spoke of these lessons and what God had been doing in my life as an example of learning how to have faith like a mustard seed.
The mustard seed concept really struck me anew again tonight though. As I continued to read through journals up until now, I began to see clearly.
I’ve been particularly fascinated with the process of death/growth as I see it around me in nature this year. I have watched the old die away, the chaff burn, as it did this summer in the hills of SLO. I have watched the rains come and bring about grass sprouting from the ground, little peeks of green in a sea of old chaff. I have watched the old chaff completely fall away in order to allow the new green grass to flourish. I have seen the vibrancy of spring green. And as of late, I have seen the wildflowers, such as the mustard seed flowers, in bloom. This year I’ve been so struck at the concept of God making all things new. He certainly does, in His timing and His ordering. There is a process that exists and each is interdependent upon one another.
At the very beginning of last summer, the mustard seed flowers that had been in bloom all spring were dying or gone. They had fallen to the ground and died in order to bring a new crop in its own time. It was back to the beginning of the cycle, if you will, the tiny little seed. You couldn’t really see the visible fruit of the seed, as it was only that at the time: a seed. Yet though the seeds were tiny, they possessed enormous potential for growth in its proper time. It was this concept I was so struck by this summer, that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, we can move mountains. I was amazed that the mustard seed is the smallest of seeds yet can produce one of the biggest crops. I wondered what it would look like if I had that same kind of faith, as God was largely walking me into such a time with my hearing.
Tonight as I looked upon these writings and remembered that time, I was amazed at where I stood then and what God was doing and teaching me. I was humbled to remember the scriptures He has spoken throughout this process and how He is ever faithful to answer them. It was sweet to remember the first times of God opening up my ears. But then I remembered and saw something very important that has been easy for me to neglect: I was still wearing both of my hearing aids at that time.
Last night I had a strange leading to look at the calendar and see how long it has been since I took out my last hearing aid. It’s been 18 weeks. Over 4 months.
And tonight I needed to remember where I was then in order to truly see how far He’s brought me since then.
I wore hearing aids then.
I don’t now.
To some degree I still have a hearing loss right now. But the dynamics of that? Changed. Branded by it? No longer.
I have stopped trying to classify it and explain it in words because it simply is. God has not changed from the time those promises were spoken into light. He is still ever faithful. And regardless of how my hearing continues to change, it’s really not the point. It never was. The miracle is never greater than the Giver. The aspect of hearing in the flesh is never greater than hearing of the Spirit.
And this miracle He’s been bringing has really come a long way, longer than I realized. It’s truly hard to grasp that just 8 months ago, I was wearing both hearing aids. It’s hard to grasp that I haven’t worn any for the last 4 months. In light of both of those facts, I’m amazed at how much truly has changed in that time. What appears small and insignificant on the surface has been monumental. Is there still a ways to go? Yes. But He continues to bring about what He said He would do.
Because like I said, it’s still not the biggest thing.
In my notes from speaking at Crusade, I had this one blip of a bullet point statement that said “need to embrace my weakness in order to embrace Jesus’ strength.”
In many ways, I think that’s the point. In every aspect and every way, I must embrace my weakness as a human of the flesh in order to embrace Jesus’ strength and power of the Divine. He must become greater, I must become less.
It’s springtime in SLO right now, and though the grass is falling away, the mustard seed is in full bloom. That’s what brings me back to the mustard seed-the seed that was just a seed this summer has grown and is in full bloom. I’ve been through some fields of these flowers lately and they are taller than me, and dense as could be. The mustard seed has stayed true to its qualities, and has come about in its proper time.
I find myself wondering as I reminisce about wandering through these fields as of late if my faith truly has bloomed in the way that these mustard seeds have. As I’ve read through these various things tonight, I am awed and humbled by the growth God has brought about this year, as He truly has done amazing things. In many ways, I now see the growth of faith. But if I were to say that I have arrived at where I am supposed to be; that is, that my faith has bloomed in the way the mustard seed plants have, it would not be true. Is there ever a day in this life where I will truly attain the likeness of Christ? No, because as long as I am bound to this world there will still be an imperfection. It is only on that glorious day when I return home that I will be fully redeemed. But we are still to strive all the while to attain His righteousness. I see the same with my faith. There will always be a deeper level and stronger measure I can strive to attain, that through knowing Him and the promise of His word, I may see them come into fruition. Just like earlier, dare I reduce the limits of Creator to that of creature? My faith, in all its “perfection” it could attain, would still be lesser.
The mustard seed flower flourishes right now, but soon it will die once again and be reduced to seed. Why does the mustard seed grow and die in an endless cycle? Because there is this process of death that brings growth. There’s this process of dying to ourselves and our limits over and over again that brings about new growth. I think the surrender to dying becomes easier with time, because we have been through enough cycles to know that God is always faithful. I think the actual deaths to which we die each time become more difficult, because harder ground has to be broken to bring about more growth. It has to get deeper. Yet we can cling to the fact that it will always bring about a time of flourishing and growth, and the levels of depth of which we know God will continue to increase.
Yet the mustard seed will always be what it is and have what it does: the potential for something great. I remember that tonight. I remember the aspect of faith as a mustard seed having the power to move mountains.
And all that’s really required is that we seek and believe.
There is tremendous power in that.
May we always remember it is by Jesus name we are bought, called, and saved, and through Him, nothing is impossible.
