Who I Am

A thought exploration of the night...in that so few truly know me for who I am fully. I often times hold back from sharing myself completely with people because the depths of me are not easily plunged into or understood. But I wonder how many people actually know me for who I am. I wonder if they did, would they understand?

Broken for the Gospel

Yesterday I was remembering a conversation I had with my best friend Elise here a couple weeks back. She is spending all of next year in East Asia doing missionary work to the universities there. Her heart was heavy that day as she was wrestling with the impending reality of what is to begin in just a few short months. She was saying that she doesn’t fear her safety there for a myriad of reasons, but the issue that weighed so heavily on her heart is particularly the safety of the Nationals there. With Asia being largely closed to Christianity and the Gospel, things are very dangerous for believers from and living in that country. The fact that her and her team are largely “privileged Americans” generally allows them the freedom to leave if safety concerns escalate and arise. But the Nationals do not have that same freedom. She was explaining how she knows the Gospel is worth sharing and that it is a Gospel for the world, but she was having a hard time justifying the reality that in sharing a message that brings life, it could be also bringing them to bodily death. As I listened to her and her heart, something changed radically inside me. Something that had been solid for so long broke.
I have been thinking about this over the past couple of weeks, and the things I have been learning and have read only bring this up more. I think my eyes are opening as I am seeing things truly for the first time. I have been breaking at how I have treated the message of hope that has changed my life, because I have allowed it to do just that: a message that has changed only my life. I think for so long I have made the Gospel one to serve myself and my life, rather than being something that truly breaks me of all my selfishness and feelings of entitlement. There are people in this world that have never heard the name of Jesus. The reality of persecution is so much more prevalent in the world than we think, because we live in this “privileged, sheltered” America. Mark Labberton said it well in his book The Dangerous Act of Worship when he states this:
“American Christian culture often communicates to people around the world, ‘You should just seek God’s promised land, like we have, and then you can have what we have!’ This is a broad miscalculation of where humanity dwells, and it daily damages the mission of Jesus Christ.”

Oh how grossly we do this! How much we make God a self-serving God that fits into our own culture and agendas. We miss the point entirely. We miss it entirely…how dare we belittle God in this way. The Gospel we claim to live for and serve is not a message for those who are “entitled,” like the middle-class americans we so easily relate to. It is a Gospel for all of creation, of every creature, from every nation and tongue. It is not ours.

There are many stories and testimonies of how Jesus has changed the lives of people in these countries we hear about only if we choose to do so. It amazes me that in a country with information at our fingertips, we so often choose to look at our social sites, the latest funny movie at YouTube, shopping sites to see what we can buy next, when instead we live in a time where we can hear so easily about the needs of those in other countries. I receive emails from missionaries in Tibet on a regular basis. I am so thankful for those because it takes me out of this privileged America I live in and forces me to see the reality that really does exist. We have the opportunity to access such information and act upon it. Why don’t we?

And it’s even not just the other places and people outside of America. We neglect those here.
Over Spring Break, I was riding in the car with my parents down to downtown Phoenix. The route we were on passed probably a very true definition of the urban city and its people, and it was crying out for help. I remember being so saddened as I saw a church in the midst of this setting. It had a sign on the outside saying something such as “bringing the light of Jesus to Phoenix.” The church also had a probably 8’ tall metal fence all around it with very pointy tops, that was locked and discouraged people to come in. My mom said they probably had to learn the hard way, unfortunately, and protect themselves. That’s one way of seeing it, and is the way we often choose to see things. But what about that sign? What about what they were proclaiming to do? The fence negated the meaning as they sought to protect themselves and their building instead of leaving it open. If it gets vandalized, does it really matter? Was the building ever really theirs? I wonder what such an opportunity would do, because they would probably have a good chance to meet with the perpetrators. Instead of seeking justice for the damage done to “their” building, why not show the mercy and grace that Jesus has given us? Why not let the words on that sign become true actions and words? Why do we fear what mortal men do to us? Why do we still run and fear to administer justice and mercy? Why do we still choose not to be broken, not to see things in the true light, not to realize that nothing is our own? Why are we still not compelled to “do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with our God? (Micah 6:8).

I think it comes to our fear of being broken and losing all control. We are not moved because we choose not to be moved. I write this because this is a lesson I have been struggling to learn on my own, and it’s one I am seeing the dire need of change in. That conversation mentioned earlier shifted something radically inside of me. But I have the choice to allow that to permeate my being and change who I am and how I treat the Gospel. We all do. I’m finally beginning to understand that it is far greater to be broken and at a loss of what to do because it is then God may have His way in us. It is then that we start seeing and understanding correctly and acting accordingly. The price of being changed often seems hefty to pay, but I am understanding now there is a heftier price paid if we don’t. That price does not come at our own expense but at the expense of all the others outside of ourselves. Dare we be that selfish? I pray not.

Not Meant to be Whole on Our Own

Cannot fight to be in control
Cannot fight to keep things whole
It’s surely a losing battle
If I continue down this road
Because we are not meant to be
Whole on our own
Can’t keep on edging the tide
Can’t keep on holding to the ride
It’s surely a losing battle
If I continue to fight
Because we are not meant to be
The source of our own light
Easy to keep it in my hands
Easy to think I understand
It’s surely a contradiction
If think this still I stand
Because in reality it is easier to be
Fully surrendered into His hands
Because this is not my fight
Because this is not my ride
The truth always stands forth
When I open and see through my eyes
Because He has captured me and allowed me to see
The beauty of wholly surrendering my life
So I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I’m awake
Lord have Your way in me.

Italics lyrics from Hillsong, regular original lyrics from me

Likewise

It’s funny. I was reading John’s blog entry from today and it puzzled me a bit at first. I wasn’t sure why he was speaking of this new journey, as I haven’t really been aware of a new one starting with him, but rather one that has continued on in depth. But now as I have been journaling, I now understand why he wrote it. And by that, I don’t mean that I understand what his new journey is completely, but I do mean that I understand the principle of a new journey, as I realize that is what God is bringing me into as well.

I write this at the end of a day in which my flesh has surely dictated me. There has been such a lack of discipline and of patience, and I’m sure there are many other aspects of the Spirit that should be present in me as I live in Him. It has been funny (not in a “ha ha” way) to me to look back on this day and see this lack of contentment and frustration with everything in general, as it has not been something I’ve been struggling with lately. Rather, it’s been the latter that God has been teaching me and giving me so much grace in, as I am learning to be content in the present moment and move as the Spirit leads accordingly. But I’m realizing why this has been so throughout today…

One is that things are changing greatly in many different ways. This includes the time of life I am in, different relationships I have, the way I handle things, the way I view and treat God, and how I experience Him and life, amongst many other things. A week or two ago I was realizing how I generally thrive on change and even look for it to some degree. It is an interesting change in itself in me. I have been learning to take change head on and not let it faze me, which is contrary to how I used to be. But I think the other is very much tied with that, and it is that I am seeing and realizing the lessons that are coming about as a result of this change, and realizing that my flesh very much doesn’t want to learn them. The spiritual mind of myself knows the importance and blessing of those lessons, as it is my prayer that God “have His way through me.” Yet my flesh contradicts that very prayer greatly.

I am to learn the aspect of longsuffering, in waiting and in love. I am to learn what it looks like to pour into people who don’t pour anything back and do it because the love in my heart from Jesus compels me to do so. I am to learn what it means to relate to the people around me that I have the most difficulty in doing so. I am to learn what it means to “be still in the midst of moving.” I am to learn what it means to truly die to self in every single way. I am to learn these things and so many more that I don’t know of right now. My flesh sees these and sees a steep learning curve it’d rather not go on. But my heart and my mind know that this is the better way in which I must embark.

Because I think the thing I am missing overall is that there is still a level of deeper surrender that I haven’t reached. I still haven’t gotten completely out of the way in order to let God have His way completely and thoroughly through me. And for what God has in store, I must learn this lesson…I sense it is of an importance so dire it can’t be put into words. I need to get to the point that when God appears to me, I can look Him directly in the face, rather than being of the nature as the Israelites were to Moses, asking him to intercede for them because they thought they would surely die otherwise.

And I understand this “new journey,” as God is leading me on one as well. May my flesh surely die and the Lord win, because the cry of my heart is that He be glorified in me and that I may learn what He has accordingly, not that I would governed by my flesh. That will continue to remain my prayer. These things that I know or understand not right now I know God will bring into light at the proper time. But seek Him I must. And seek Him I will.

Flowers Along the Way

Heart unsettled
Uncertainty resides
Whisper in the midst
New things into light
Unknown territory ahead
Ground unsteady beneath
Destination a ways away
But still I never fall
For the Spoken Word remains
Be still in the moving
Sands ever shifting
Path ever changing
Only One keeps me going
For the Living God remains
Climbing still
Trusting ever more
Heart will never break
And there will be flowers along the way

The Third in the Grand Scheme of Things

There have been times as of late I have wanted to sit down and write about what God is doing in my life and in the grand scheme of things, but it hasn’t happened yet. I feel a scribe in many ways, and with that comes the inclination to want to write and explain everything in its fullness, at least to the understanding that God gives me. In that, I think I have been waiting for this story to come into a package of sorts that I can write about from start to present. But I can’t! Even if I were to have hours or days to write, the story keeps on being written upon itself. And so I come tonight knowing that this is not the full package or story. I can’t write all the details of what has happened in this journey, at least not in this time. But there are steps along the way that God continues to bring, and those I am compelled to share.

It was raining all day yesterday. After our weekly Crusade meeting, I decided to walk back to John’s house alone in the rain to simply commune with God. I am rarely spontaneous anymore, and in that, I believe I often miss what God could give me in those moments. It was a beautiful rain. I went inside and picked up my stuff and proceeded back to the front porch where I awaited my ride home. It didn’t come for over half an hour. God was so good to grant that time that I may be with Him in His presence, being still and allowing Him to do and speak as He willed.

I started praying, and I was tired. I know the weaknesses of my flesh and its need for sleep, and so often in those times I elect to stop thinking or doing, mostly out of self-preservation I have been realizing. But as I sat there last night, I remembered that it is in those times that I am fully in the raw. My flesh is weak, my guard is down, and the thoughts I so often allow to govern the day cease. It is a position of vulnerability that allows a meeting with the true God if I allow Him to do so. And that was one of my early prayers last night. He surely answered…
I was back and forth on going to Crusade last night. My ears have been ringing terribly the last couple of days, leaving me not hearing much actual noise and pretty exhausted. I didn’t think I would understand much or be able to focus well. Yet as I discussed it with John, he encouraged me to go. I am so thankful for the Spirit’s leading through him, as he heeds it and understands it well. So I went. It was Elise T’s birthday and it was good to be with her. As for the message though? I didn’t get much out of it, not because there wasn't much there, but because I couldn't focus. Tim Fox, one of our interns, spoke last night. He spoke on the end of Mark 10 (vs 35-52), which is two different accounts; one being James and John arguing about who got to sit on the right and left sides of Jesus, and coming to the point where Jesus humbles them through many statements, one being “the Son of man did not come to be served but to serve, and be a ransom to many.” The next part was the healing of Bartimaeus, a blind man. I was a bit puzzled as to why Tim continued onto this part, as the two accounts didn’t exactly flow together in my opinion. But God opened my eyes to that scripture, and I pondered it for the rest of the time…

On John’s porch I asked God the significance of that passage being spoken that night. The answer I received is that it is the next of the main passages He has given me in this journey of knowing, asking, and receiving not just the gift of healing of my ears, but an intimate one in learning to be fully surrendered to Him and knowing Him like no other. And as I pondered that passage, I found myself in utter amazement, awe, and praise at what God had just given me. This is the third main passage in the last two years, each directly speaking and leading me in this journey of faith I continue to walk…

The first was John 9, given to me just over 2 years ago to this day. This account of a boy born blind brought me into the full realization that it was God’s will to heal me. For about 2 months up until when that passage was given to me, I was wrestling with the path God was leading me on. It had mainly to do with my perception of how God has used my hearing loss throughout my entire life. He has truly made His strength perfect in my weakness, and through that, brought glory to Himself. I wrestled with the question if my hearing loss were to be taken away, wouldn’t God be taking away the glory from Himself, or contradicting it? The opening three verses of John 9 spoke nearer to my heart that night than I remembered words ever speaking before, as I found my answer. Jesus and his disciples were walking along the road when they came across the boy. The disciples asked Him, “why was this boy born blind? Was it a result of sin in his life or his parents?” Jesus answered them, “it was not a result of either; rather, it is so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” I then knew that it truly was God’s will to heal me and the answer to that question was that there has been a purpose for both: the hearing loss has been for His glory, and the taking away of it is also. Both have been for the purpose of God’s work being displayed in my life.

The next was Mark 7:31-37, the account of a deaf and mute man. This was given to me last October. I largely identified with the boy born blind for a long time, but the transition was made with this passage. The people within the region of Decapolis brought to Jesus a man who was deaf and spoke with difficulty. They asked Jesus to lay hands on him. Jesus took him away from the crowd and put His hands on his face, a truly intimate encounter. He put His hands in the man’s ears and touched his tongue, and with a sigh looking up to Heaven, he cried Ephphatha, which means ‘be opened.’ The man then both heard and spoke clearly, and they went back into the crowd. I was taken aback by this passage because I had never found an account of a healing of a deaf person in the bible, and not just one deaf, but one with a speech impediment as well. He fits my disabilities to the “t.” In a time in which God had begun the healing process of starting to open up my ears, He brought me this passage to remember that it is an intimate encounter with Him. I was to allow Him to take me away from the crowd, and I was to look into His face, truly believe, and receive. It was not a moment in which anyone else was to be involved, only me and Him. There is such a powerful command in Ephphatha, and it urged me to be praying that myself. In January, I took out my last hearing aid, and God has been doing a tremendous process in healing my ears. Yet more so, He has been doing a tremendous process in me truly looking in His eyes, trusting Him, and receiving whatever it is He has for me. It has been a journey of love, obedience, silence, and intimacy, and still continues to be.

And then last night was Mark 10, Bartimaeus being blind and crying out to Jesus. 46 Then they came to Jericho. And as He was leaving Jericho with His disciples and a large crowd, a blind beggar named Bartimaeus, the son of Timaeus, was sitting by the road. 47 When he heard that it was Jesus the Nazarene, he began to cry out and say, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" 48 Many were sternly telling him to be quiet, but he kept crying out all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" 49 And Jesus stopped and said, "Call him here." So they called the blind man, saying to him, "Take courage, stand up! He is calling for you." 50 Throwing aside his cloak, he jumped up and came to Jesus. 51 And answering him, Jesus said, "What do you want Me to do for you?" And the blind man said to Him, "Rabboni, I want to regain my sight!" 52 And Jesus said to him, "Go; your faith has made you well." Immediately he regained his sight and began following Him on the road.”

Bartimaeus knew Jesus. Let me say it again, Bartimaeus knew Jesus. He knew Jesus was there, and began to cry out to Him. Even in the midst of the people around him dissuading him from doing so, he continued to cry out until Jesus called him. According to his faith, Jesus made him well. The reason why I say Bartimaeus knew Jesus is because there was no hesitation to cry out to Him because he understood what Jesus could give. He was fully aware of His power to heal him, and persisted until Jesus did such a thing.

How much it speaks to my heart now. If I had to take away just one thing from this entire journey I have been on thus far, I would not take away the fact that I have heard music in ways I never have before, or people’s voices without aid, or really anything to do with my healing in that aspect. Rather, I would say I have come to know my Lord. I am no longer fighting His piercing gaze into my eyes asking me to look into His. There’s a change He’s been doing in my heart in delighting to do His will, to serve and obey no matter the cost. That’s what I would take away: I know Jesus.

And just like Bartimaeus, I will continue to cry out to my Lord. There are those that dissuade me because they probably think I am either making a fool of myself or am just dreaming, or it’s causing them to be uncomfortable. But no matter. I know my Lord. I know what He has said and what He continues to bring about. And I will cry out to Him all the day long until he calls me and restores my hearing in its fullness. It is not an action understood in our culture or even among believers who walk with Him. But I know my Lord. And I know He has given me the gift of a radical and undying faith. And I know it’s seldom understood, but there have to be some in this day and age that are willing to be wholly obedient and surrendered to His will for this generation and age, and I humbly walk into that. There is nothing more that I desire than for God to make Himself known to the people of this world, to those who are perishing and dying, or even to those who have fallen asleep or are still sleeping. I cry that they may they know the name of God as I AM WHO I AM, his name forever, and his memorial name to all generations (Exodus 3:14-15). And with that, so may it be with me. May He do with me as He will, to make Himself known to a world sleeping, dying, and perishing.

A Good God...

On the sunset train ride from LA back to SLO...

Urban Landscape

While in Phoenix for Spring Break, my parents and I ventured downtown to a museum. The route that we took to get us there took us through the outskirts of downtown before we reached the middle of the city. I can't fully describe what captivated me there, but it was enough that my mom and I ventured back so that I could take pictures of some of the things I saw. Having some time to meditate upon the experience today, these are the words that came forth.

Shattered Glass. Boarded windows.
Graffitied walls. Abandoned rooms.
The hush of silence. The remembrance of despair.
This is all that's left in a place left to wallow in its remains.
Broken dreams. Neglected lives.
Lack of hope. Crying for love.
The ringing of emptiness. The echo of stillness.
This is all that's left in the lives left to wallow in their pain,


Stories are left untold but their legacies are preserved within the walls
Physical presence of people has ceased but their spirits live on
For such a place has carved out their destinies
From brighter days ahead or an even bleaker dawn
Their faces play on like a slideshow never seen but fully known
Beckoning one to forget but crying out to be seen
For too often these faces are the picture of an urban landscape
Fully real human lives that we choose not to know

And all that's left with any form of life
Proves to be a child's swing swaying in the breeze
Abandoned behind barbed wire fences
Living in the midst of growing weeds
This is the breath of life in a place of death
A shining light in the face of neglect
The chains jingle like a voice speaking in the city
To open one's eyes, fully absorb, and to never forget

This is the urban landscape hardly acknowledged but commonly seen
An uncomfortable presence but a known reality
We choose to ignore the voices and look past what remains
For we deem the price to be changed one too heavy to pay
Yet as long and as hard as we try to escape
These lives will still remain at the end of the day
Dare we to break the common barriers existing
And venture to change this urban landscape?

Sovereign God Revisited

This is part of my journal entry written on a drive back to Phoenix from Sedona, Arizona. My words haven't been aplenty this week, and they are not coming in many different forms such as journal, blog, emails, so on and so forth. Perhaps there's a transparency God is bringing me to expose, and thus, in that, I choose to include this on my blog. Maybe it's nothing complex or profound, but it's a simple truth revisited in a new way in my life, a simple truth that I must cling to. Therefore, Sovereign God Revisited.

I’m looking out at the landscape right now and at this time, it’s very hilly, rocky, and green. We are about to descend into the desert of Phoenix. Lord, it has been so beautiful today. I love seeing new places because it reminds me of the diversity and vastness of You; it is not confined to my little bubble of a world I live in.

I have long been an adventurer to one degree or another. My family has always traveled quite a deal, and because of that, I have seen a great deal of landscape and places in the United States. Yet at times in the adventures, I can clam up, uncertain of what is to come next, because for whatever reason, the safety and comfort I had previously had in the situation vanished. That thought is striking me strongly now, as I think perhaps that has been the realization and struggle of this week.

I’ve been reading The Dangerous Act of Worship and one part speaks about the safety in which we would like to have, but as we pursue You, it becomes less and less in the forms we are so accustomed to. And I would have to agree. The scenery, situations, people, dynamics, so on and so forth, are ever changing, and there is very little constant. Something that has been pressed upon my mind and heart over the last several months is that You are a sovereign God over all circumstance. I think I’ve been realizing that has become a mantra of sorts for me, and I believe it wholeheartedly most of the time. However, as mantras can become normal and commonplace, I think perhaps that has happened with me. There was a drastic change this week in being back with my parents and away from everything familiar. Though in my head I knew the importance and significance of this week, I allowed Satan to intimidate me with it and forgot to let the fact that You are fully sovereign over circumstance rule my heart. I wrote last week about how I believe You are bringing me and others to a time and place of learning what faith is in the things unseen, especially in regards to my hearing loss. I didn’t realize what a tough lesson that would be for me. Elise spoke so much wisdom in her statement that several months ago, we had no idea I’d be in this position I am in. That is so true my Lord. Where I fail to see progress in my immediate situation, I forget the progress that has happened since, the progress that has gone before in order to bring me where I am now. I forget the ebbing motion of the ocean in that there are times in which the waves crash hard on the shore, and there are other times in which the water seems to gently flow to your feet. Regardless of the force and strength, it is always moving, just as You are.

John reminded me of the importance of being still, and I’ve been thinking about that as well. I realize in my own efforts of moving, I can’t have an accurate view of Yours because I do not move at Your pace on my own. It’s like two people dancing with one another, each to a different dance, but each doesn’t know the other person’s dance. They keep moving to their own, trying to figure out the others, but it just doesn’t work that way. One must stop and observe and see the steps of the other, in order that they may move together. There’s not many greater feelings than two people dancing together in harmony, moving to the music and with one another. And in my life Lord, You are my leader, and I must stop and dance to Your steps. When I do so, I find a beauty unspeakable because I see the world through Your eyes, through Your steps, in Your time.

There hasn’t been a lot of thought as to next quarter and what that holds. And perhaps in thinking that there needed to be, I was falling into an old pattern that I am not to return to, at least not in this time. So much of this year has been the day to day, moment to moment, all orchestrated in Your grand scheme of things. That won’t change. You know my tendency for control and how it is far more valuable to me to simply be and trust, living in the Spirit and discerning accordingly. It surely gives You much more room to move, because even in the thinking about a new quarter what it will bring, dreaming You to do the grandest things of all, it still puts You in a box. Lord, we only know and see in part, and as long as we are here on this earth, that fact will not change. Instead of being at unrest every time we do not know or understand what is going on, we should accept it, because it is simply a known reality in an unknown world. Our comfort comes from You alone being sovereign over all, regardless of what is happening. We set our hope on You alone, not on circumstance. In the circumstances surrounding us, we must remember that.

So for now, I will fully be in the moment as You have dictated me to be. I actually have that blessing this week, and I think it is one I need to take accordingly. So often I have to be planning and thinking ahead, but I don’t right now. I will let it rest. I will continue to trust in You, my sovereign God, over all things and all circumstance.

Things Unseen

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things unseen." Hebrews 11:1

May this be true to my heart regardless of any circumstance...

My Heavenly

I found the lyrics to this song in one of my journal entries from earlier this quarter. I have listened to it many times since, and it has been putting something into words that I have been unable to as of late. What that is, I don't exactly know, but here they are. I'd encourage you to listen to the song as well, because the way it is done is simply beautiful. Unlike many songs I have heard before. Perhaps that's part of the reason it speaks to me so much, because it is a new sound in a new time...More to come on that soon.

Let the wind fall wild across my path
Even though we barely move, there's no turning back
There is a river, there is a road, place of holy riches untold
It's where I'm supposed to be... my heavenly

I know it never feels right to let go of the safety we're used to holding so tight
But there's a lion underneath these skies
Though love cries, love will rise... my, my, my heavenly

So fly me higher, higher, hope fill me, keep me here
Love lion, my, my...

So when I'm lonely or when I'm old, life is more behind me
All the stories have been told
I can fix my gaze up through the clouds
Where I'm gonna be, where I'm gonna be... my heavenly
My, my heavenly
My heavenly

from Who We Are Instead, by Jars of Clay

The Question of "What if?"

I'm not going to say that "what if..." is a bad question to be asked. But I think I've realized over the past couple of days that it's a question that needs to be carefully discerned and asked only for the benefit of a situation. "What if" is often a thought pattern that implores all possibilities and is subject to the constantly changing, fleeting nature of this world. I think before "what if" is asked, we need to ask the question, "what do we know?" I know that God is unchanging in a constantly changing world. I know that God is faithful to His word. I know that God will never fail to be less than Himself in every way. And that's all I truly need to know to keep me going.

I am one to love the question "what if" as I am a strategizer and like to plan. However, I need to carefully discern when I ask that question that it is asked in my own benefit and in others. So often those "what if" thoughts and questions I entertain never come to be. On the other side of it, sometimes being asked "what if" can be a tricky position to be in. I'm thankful for the ways in which it challenges my faith because it requires me to give an answer for the hope that I have. I do pray that my brothers and sisters in Christ would discern the best time and place to ask these questions for the benefit of everyone involved...

On the last note, let us always probe the mysteries of the triune Godhead! Let us devote ourselves to that mystery and allow Himself to reveal things we do not see at the present. Let us seek Him and His will and ask in accordance to that. Those are much more beneficial and have much more sustenance than any fleeting "what if" thoughts can bear.

The Mark

Cold and alone, foreign and unknown
These seem to be the lives we have known
Stumbling and falling, crying and calling
Into the dark where no one hears or sees
Holding so tight, scared in the night
We held the pieces of our lives
Until our own grip caused it all to fall apart
We were left to pick up the pieces
Stumbling before we ever knew where to start

What is it about the mark we all seem to think we bear
It’s like the scarlet letter branded for all to see
It’s been bonded so deep into our hearts and minds
Scarred for life, that we see no way of being set free
We hold our lives like we grip the edges of glass
And all we have to show are the scars it leaves
Our own blood we spill, and a trail of shards

And it all falls apart…

We lay on the floor surrounded by our tears of despair
The strength to pick ourselves up once again is no longer there
In the midst of tattered clothes, lives, and dreams
The scarlet letter remains branded upon the breast

Until the unthinkable happens next…

It was like looking in a mirror and seeing ourselves covered with blood
The scarlet letter had covered us from head to toe
And as quickly as it came, so quickly it went away
Upon the face and hands of One we seemed to know
He had taken the mark of shame upon Himself
And had washed us white as snow

Learning to walk, beginning to talk
Gaining strength to stand in the midst of the fall
Finding healing in places, drinking of His graces
Experiencing the life of the redeemed
By the mark of His name, we no longer bear shame
of the scarlet letter we always knew
Eyes to look around, ears to hear the sound
Of the One who’s always been calling
The One once familiar now becomes our Savior
Finding Him endless in power and in grace
And looking into the mirror, we begin to see Him face to face

This is the One whom we have been destined to know

Remembering the Attributes of God

Felt led to post journal from tonight...may it bless you as it did me.

Dear Lord,

I praise You for this day though it has been an interesting one. I’m reminded so much of where the attitude and practice of thanksgiving comes into play and how it affects my view upon things. I think so often I forget that thanksgiving needs to not be just a time, but an attitude of life. The tide of lessons being learned and refining in the process will always be about, but You are always constant. You are always the same, true to Your character and every aspect about You. I can easily forget that and think that thanksgiving comes in the times when I see You move, or when something good or amazing happens, or when I simply feel like being thankful. In that, I neglect that I have been bought at a price that You didn’t deem too heavy to pay, and because of that I am constantly in Your arms. That alone is more than enough to be thankful for.

I think that in the times of this steadiness and resilient faith You have been bringing me through as of late, I tend to forget. I tend to forget that I can shout for joy or weep. I tend to forget that I can stand to lift my hands up high to You or bow down low to kneel at Your feet. I tend to neglect showing emotion when it comes to You, though my heart is so moved inside. I tend to forget that I can respond in the way that comes most natural to me at the given time, because in that, I glorify You by acting according to the way You have created me. I am the work of Your hand, and may I never be ashamed or reserved about that. May every aspect of this personality and heart that You have shown come forth.

I was reminded of that tonight in which we had a time of encouragement at our servant team meeting. I realize that I am very transparent with a smaller number of people, and it’s amazing to see how God uses that. Yet, I feel the call to be transparent with more. We hid under paper bags tonight as we wrote encouragement to one another. May I not hide my light under a paper bag. Lord, it is one thing to boast in myself; it is another to boast in who You are and what You are doing. My life is not my own and the things You are doing in it I must never claim possession of. It’s like this picture I am drawing for class, in which a little girl is holding the tail of a butterfly that is much larger than her. The head of the butterfly becomes a flower and a section of the wing opens up to a view of the ocean. The premise of the drawing is basically how all of creation is connected, though we may not see it or it may not make sense. That being said, I am connected to the people around me in some way or another, regardless of whether I see it or not. But if I don’t see it, let me not neglect what I could share with them, because who knows how You could use it.

I told John tonight that I felt tired and ready for things to come in its fullness; particularly with my hearing. At times I feel weary in the race. In that, I forget simple things. I forget to do what it is that You have asked me to: to listen and surrender. The process of growth of any kind cannot be carried fully or even partially on my own shoulders. I cannot handle the load. But thanks be to You whom I can present my requests to, knowing You hear them full well. And tonight was yet another reminder of that. Tonight I heard louder once again. Today is just one step in the process. This time is a refining of my faith and trust, and facilitates a time in which I can lean upon and love You more than ever before. This time is a process. There are easier days and harder days. But again, You are the constant. Again, You never change. And always, You are faithful, regardless if I choose to recognize it at the present or not.

Lord, may I realize I do not run this race on my own strength or alone. Lord, may I realize that You are faithful to carry me when I grow weary. May I remember that as I wait upon You, You renew my strength. May I remember simply to wait upon you. You will surely carry me in every way until the day I return home and see You face to face. And that is a promise upon which I can surely wait.

Honesty of a Heavy Heart

I write with a heavy heart today with reasons not exactly pinpointed or known. The dark clouds outside that are laden with rain to come seem to magnify this more. The words of Jesus and the song we sung today at church keep running through my mind… “I will trust in the Lord my God, live to sing of unfailing love, everyday my soul will sing, how great this love, how great this love…” … “Even the youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.”… “The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...” “See that you do not refuse him who is speaking. For if they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape him who warns from heaven….the removal of things that are shaken leaves only those things that cannot be shaken.”

And more keeps running through my mind and heart besides these things. Everyday I feel like I should be sitting down for hours and hours to write and understand because there is so much…so much that is happening and that cannot be contained. There is such a stirring in my heart and who I am that continues to consume me. I see the triumphs that God is doing in me while seeing my failings ever so. The magnitude of each overwhelms me. I think perhaps I have been learning to accept God’s strength and grace in the things that He is triumphing in, but I think still I neglect His grace in my failings. I wonder if God is removing those things that can be shaken in order that only what cannot be shaken remains. I have seen Him doing such things in my life for some time now. Yet I think in that process, the things that are unshakable appear to be shaken by Satan in an attempt to pull us down, cause us to doubt, not fully trust.

I wrote my best friend back home an email this week, explaining what God is doing and asking for her wisdom in spiritual attacks I have been severely facing. She replied saying something of the measure that Satan bitterly opposes those who are pure and righteous because our purity in the Lord is so huge and makes us more powerful in the spiritual realms. I don’t know where I stand in the pure and righteous, but I know where I stand in the measure of spiritual attack. My dreams, times in which God would so clearly speak to me and allow me to rest in him, have lately been defiled in every way by Satan. Satan is attacking me the most in the area where my defenses are the weakest. And those things affect me the most. I feel more defeated in those attacks than all the others combined. Because the others, I see where they come from and can easily rebuke them. These, I feel blindsided by.

And I think these attacks only magnify the aspect of me being an individual to its fullest. I desire so much to have someone fight for me and lead me and guide me in a way that I don’t feel so brazenly alone at times. I have learned much about the measure and importance of honesty over the last year and how that allows people to enter in and walk alongside me. In this though, I don’t know its role well. I feel like though it’s of Satan, I see its potential for harm more than I see it for good. I see the need and know the importance of clinging to Jesus and His truth more than ever in these attacks. Perhaps I’m not letting him fully come to me and receiving Him. Or perhaps I am needing someone to come alongside me and lead me in the way to His arms…because in this, I feel wounded and scarred, unable to carry myself to the
table where I don’t belong.

This is the honesty of my heavy heart.

On the Brink

I haven’t written anything specifically on here in a while, almost a month and a half. I haven’t been led to in this time, and am still not quite led to. There has been a necessity to allude to things that God is doing in hopes that people who read this would seek out God in the greater mystery of it all. There has been a necessity to not attempt to scientifically lay everything out like a lab report of what has been happening, but rather let choice language and words be composed with one another to allow God to sing a greater song through the words written.
There has been a movement in my heart and around me unlike any other that surpasses words. There’s been a melody shaping and taking its root deep within that comes only from God. He has been consuming me from the inside out…

And even still, tonight I am not yet to get into specifics. I strongly feel that time beginning to come to an end as God leads me into what comes next.

But what I can say tonight is that the grand scheme and scale of things is far beyond anything tangible that we can hold onto and understand. I know that at least with me, I have felt like I have been living a life that just doesn’t seem quite real. It doesn’t seem like I am actually living this, actually experiencing what is happening. The words of Isaiah ring so true in that the Lord’s thoughts and ways are so much higher than mine, and the words of David saying that such knowledge is too lofty for him to attain resonate within my heart. What keeps taking me by surprise is God continues to lead and grant knowledge as to what He is doing and how I am to respond. Yet with that, I think the proportion of how much I understand and His actual thoughts remains consistent; I still have barely scratched the surface.

I have been seeing and experiencing the spiritual realm like no other lately. God is doing a tremendous work and with that, Satan is bitterly fighting it. My best friend asked me last night “how are you doing?” and I replied that I am fine. I am fine. I am firmly planted on the rock and my feet are not shaken. What may appear to make me “not fine” is the amount of what is happening to me and through me and around me. The spiritual realm of Heaven and Hell are surely battling it out. However, in the midst of it, I am seldom fazed because it is a battle that has already been won. Jesus said he saw Satan fall from the sky like lightning. He has no authority in Heaven; he has been cast out. He still bitterly fights, but he fights a losing battle. In the midst of all of the spiritual warfare I have been experiencing, there has been such a great peace because I know my God is victorious. He has already won.

And I know that with such opposition from Satan, God is doing a tremendous work. With me personally, there is a tremendous anointing happening upon me…and again, I am not yet going to get into specifics, but I find myself floored at it and what it entails. I find myself amazed that I am not really overwhelmed by it, and it is amazing to see the work God has done in my heart. These things don’t overwhelm me because they are not in my own and are not in my hands.

You see, more now than ever God has been teaching me what a true surrender to Him truly looks like. I have been seeing the ways I so miserably fail in this but have also been seeing the triumphant areas in which Jesus has conquered. With this anointing, I know nothing better to do but be fully surrendered. It’s the deepest desire of my heart because I remain incredibly humbled that God would have me in this position. I’m incredibly humbled because I look back on my life and see different aspects of what God has done and how they all come together in its own time…the magnitude of it I can’t comprehend though. It is so far beyond me and I only know in part. But that part I know now…how incredible it is!

Because here I am, 21 years old, and I feel as if my life could be culminating with the grand things that are happening and are on the brink…yet I find myself completely dumbfounded at how this is only just a fragment of what God has yet to do. How great is our God. How GREAT is our God…

And perhaps this is where I am to leave it tonight…that no matter where you are at, God has your life ordained in such incredible ways that you may not know of now or for quite some time, or even at all. But God did not create you in vain. He created You with the greatest love of all time, and He surely has a plan and purpose for all things. He will make His glory known. And He will make his pursuit of you evident. All he requires is your heart and your surrender…
And trust me. Regardless of anything else, at His feet is the best place to be.

A Month Now...

It’s been almost a month now
Since the last form of help was left behind
I took the step off the edge
Leaped over the barrier
Only to be left to continuously find
The deeper graces of You
The deeper strengths of You
The deeper love of You
The deeper heart of You

My world has been peppered by screams
And gradually increasing noise
A world once silent is now
Becoming a world alive
Each element within it possessing its own voice
A voice of passion
A voice of apathy
A voice of stirring
A voice of vibrancy

Each day is a brand new surrender
To learn to listen and to fully trust
Sovereign ways higher than mine
Sovereign grace beyond mine
Remembering human beings came out of dust
So springs up a new thing
May I now perceive
The richness of You
The fullness of You
The splendor of You
The pursuit of me by You alone

To Fall and to Land

You hold the grains of sand in the grip of your hand
Opening Your palm You let them fall
Each takes its own course in the downward force
Though remaining part of the greater scheme of it all
They seem to fall to disorder and disarray
Landing in places where no pattern can be found
It seems contrary to the control of Your hand
For they appear terribly scattered about
Yet stepping away and looking again
One finds they are beautifully contained
Individually they may not make sense
In the greater scheme they lay not in vain
For what seldom makes sense at the present
Could be just the falling of the sand
It will take its course
And in time, it will land
For they are sands within the hourglass falling as they may
All within Your sovereign control according to Your plan
We must look beyond just the one
And see the all that lies within Your hands

Neos

I’m seeing the world with new eyes
New ears, new heart, new mind
It’s like a treasure journey that leads me deep
In order that I may seek and truly find
I don’t know what the destination is
But the journey surely is the ride of my life

I wonder if it’s a flower that has been growing
Simply waiting for its time to bloom
It needed its nurturing and seclusion still
For its proper time to leave its womb
And as it breaks it keeps showing
Beauty that hasn’t been revealed a moment too soon

I can imagine it’s like being born for the first time
New hands and feet as a newborn cries
He enters the world foreign and unknown
Only for the first time to open his eyes
He hears the voice of his mother and father
And it’s love for a lifetime

What is it like to be still
When the world keeps on passing by
One observes and absorbs a greater deal
Instead of letting a miracle simply fly
A song comes into the heart
And becomes the worshipper’s cry


New ears, new heart, new mind.



I’m not going to let a miracle simply fly




Because it’s just the beginning





Of the greatest love song of all time.

All Things New

cutting through the clouds, gonna pour down
the rain has simply washed away
the sky's about to break, what's it gonna take
for You to receive all the praise
that to You is due
because You make all things new
All things new

chaff falls down, flowers sprout from the ground
a new season is in bloom
from the dirt of the earth, we find what we are worth
and it's nothing that compares
to the glory of You
because You make all things new
All things new

Bridge
For it's You who does a new thing, do we perceive
the intricate workings and glorious splendor of You, Our King

Chorus
All things new, can I describe what I see
All things new, can I describe what I hear
Because these words simply can't contain
The overflow of my heart to You, so dear
The old has gone, can I say what has left
The old has gone, can I say what has been left behind
Because this life has been redeemed
And passes through the fire that refines
And what happens in this moment
will simply be written in the history books of time
Because the old has gone and the new has come
and all things are new


All things are new, but do you perceive...?