Off Center

Lately I’ve been feeling “off center.” When I was thinking about it last night, I was realizing that I feel like a washing machine that is off center. There’s a lot of contents within myself, but instead of them all generally taking the same pace of movement and action at the same time, some contents are plastered to the side and not moving while the others are flinging about erratically. When this happens in a washing machine, the contents are not cleaned properly. And as this parallel happens in my life, I feel that I am not living properly.

The contents that are flinging about erratically and a lot are happening with them, those are work and commitments. I’ve been really busy with working both at the Broncos about 25 hours a week, and then keeping up with clients also. I’ve taken on some new clients and projects in addition to what I’ve been doing. Some weeks are really slow. But lately, it’s been quite hectic. I go to work at the Broncos, and then I come home and work some more. The days I don’t go to the Broncos, I often spend most of the day doing the more time-extensive client projects. On the weekends, we are trying to spend time with family so we are usually up in Fort Collins or down in Colorado Springs. I’m also trying to keep up friendships as best as I can both here and back in CA.

If one of these elements were flinging about solitarily, then there’d be no trouble. The problem keeps coming when multiple elements come off the side of the washing machine and collide with each other, wrapping themselves in a matted knot of sorts that leaves me to use both hands and all effort to attend to them to get them back to where they need to be, individual pieces that do not need to intertwine. Unfortunately, with an off-center container, they’re bound to entangle again in time, leaving me back at the beginning of the same problem.

The contents that are remaining plastered to the side and not a lot are happening with them because they are forced to make room for the erratic elements, those are my marriage and the beneficial things I need to do for myself. I put these on the back burner of responsibilities because they are more forgiving than clients and employers, and seem to be moreso than family and friends. I have not been investing well in my marriage and in John. I treat him more like a roommate at times than a husband. In my mind and my heart, I know and want him to be the first priority, but my actions have fallen so short in actually acting upon this. I get wrapped up in my “responsibilities” instead, and I miss the most important things entirely. I have not been doing things that are beneficial for myself in the ways that I need to. This has been difficult because I just don’t feel like there is much time to do so, so I don’t. This requires an evaluation of how I am spending my time. As much as I hate taking something away or saying no, that is what I need to consider. And so, these things stay plastered to the side, for there is no room for them to come free in the way they need to be.

I have always been a serious person and have created responsibilities for myself on top of what I already have. It’s this instinctive nature in me that I can’t quite curb. I make things responsibilities that don’t need to be. For example, most of the women in my life in Colorado live down in the Springs. I’ve always felt that I had to go down to the Springs and initiate time with them. But in this last week—I’ve been so blessed to have three of them willing to drive up to Castle Rock just to spend time with me and save me the drive. That has been mind-blowing and an incredible blessing to me. Yet it reveals the deluded weight of responsibility that I have been carrying—that somehow, if I don’t make all the effort in a relationship, then I’m failing or not living up to my end of the bargain. But, it is not fully up to me.

I also don’t have to say yes to every project. I especially don’t have to agree to all of my client’s deadlines—particularly when a lot of them are last minute. I am learning how to balance this in the real world, especially in being a new and starting out. I don’t know exactly what it looks like yet, but I do know that I agree on other people’s terms a bit too often and easily, and that creates a heavier weight of responsibility than it needs to be.

Yet all in all, I believe firmly that everything that is in this container is deemed good and purposeful by the Lord…it’s part of this season and all that it brings.

In My Utmost for His Highest yesterday, this is written:

“We must distinguish between the burden-bearing that is right and the burden-bearing that is wrong. We ought never to bear the burden of sin or of doubt, but there are burdens placed on us by God which He does not intend to lift off, He wants us to roll them back on Him. "Cast that He hath given thee upon the Lord."

Everything in this current container of life are “burdens” that God has placed on me because He desires me to learn how to deal with them. The problem has been lying in the fact that I have been seeking out these grand answers of how to balance life, how to invest in marriage, how to have boundaries with work, how to maintain relationships, and more. The reality is that the type of grand answer I am looking for doesn’t exist—it is not a formula to be discovered and then applied to solve the problem. The problem has been lying in the fact that I am carrying these “burdens” God has put on me, but I am not rolling them back on the Lord. And sometimes, these responsibilities have felt “overwhelmingly crushing.”

Yesterday I had reached my limit of how much I could take in and handle. I went to bed exhausted from the day and exasperated at how else I could’ve dealt with it. This morning, I drove to work at 6:30 a.m., my normal time to do so. It was a typical spring morning in Colorado, but I haven’t experienced a spring morning here in 6 years. When I left the house, it was lightly snowing. Three minutes down the road, I found myself in a bowl of clouds with the blue sky fully visible above me. Three more minutes down the road, it was really dark and overcast again. Up the hill a bit later, I saw the break of the sun over the clouds and I was above all these layers of clouds breaking, and it was breathtaking.

I wound down the hill for a few minutes taking it all in, and proceeded to get on the highway. I quickly entered incredibly dense, dark, and cold fog. I drove about 5 minutes and it started raining. A few minutes after that, I was back in the dense fog, but it had this incredible warm glow in it. Then down the road, there were high clouds and it was overcast. Close to work, it was raining again and darker, but the sun was peeking through and clearing it all out.

As I was driving, I couldn’t help but identify so much with the changing surroundings around me. It was the perfect symbolism of how I have been reacting in these past couple of weeks due to being “off center.” In all of it, I know that God is with me and I have felt His presence tremendously, but I have been perceiving my circumstances in so many different manners and ways, and it often changes rapidly. I’ll go from a moment of extreme praise and thanksgiving, to one of downheartedness and frustration. I’ll go from a moment of passion to one of apathy. And this is not me. I am normally a pretty consistent person. I have not felt like I should be these last couple of weeks.

And I want the grand answer and formula for how to fix it. I’ve delayed the opportunity for freedom because I’ve been waiting for the grand answer. Yet, in my mind and my heart I’ve known that there isn’t a grand answer that’s going to be found in this world, but rather a simple one found from abiding in Christ and listening to Him. I believe it was given last night:

If we undertake work for God and get out of touch with Him, the sense of responsibility will be overwhelmingly crushing; but if we roll back on God that which He has put upon us, He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself.” Oswald, 4-13.

I need to realize my limits and understand my priorities. But most of all, I need to surrender all these things I consider or create to be responsibilities and let them be in the hands of the Lord. I can’t make myself the center or necessity to things happening or being done. I’m surely to be an off-center washing machine that way, and things will only continue to either be plastered to the side or flinging about erratically. I am not the center--God is. He is so gracious to take my burdens upon Himself, and that is an gift of grace I need to embrace fully.

Somehow

I wish I could always say that You are lovely

Tantalizing and desirable to me

That You drive me to give and do
all that I can for You

But You know I am self-seeking

Self-leading and self-dreaming
wanting to do and pursue

All I can for me

Yet somehow I find that there’s grace enough

For even the wayward sinners like me

And somewhere down the line

I’ll embrace it as all I need

Because You know that I am

Trusting and surrendering

To the best of my ability

All I can to You

And I thank You

that somehow Your mercy is new every morning

I thank You

that somehow Your love envelopes me

I thank You

that somehow Your grace washes over all I see

I thank You

that somehow You love me too much

To leave me where I please to stay

And I thank You

That somehow I may know You deeper every day.

I wish I could always say that You are lovely

Tantalizing and desirable to me

That You drive me to give and do
all that I can for You

But You know I am self-seeking

Self-leading and self-dreaming
wanting to do and pursue

All I can for me

Yet somehow I find that there’s grace enough

For even the wayward sinners like me

And somewhere down the line

I’ll embrace it as all I need

So I thank You

That Your mercy is new every morning

I thank You

That Your love envelopes me

I thank You

That Your grace washes over all I see

I thank You

That You love me too much

To leave me where I please to stay

And I thank You

That I may know You deeper every day.

What does it take?

What does it take
for the building of mountains
the growth of a forest
the shining of the sun
and the crushing swells of the sea?
Is it from the brute of Your strength
The grip of Your hand
The waving of Your finger
Or simply the blink of Your eyes?

What does it take
For the birth of a child
The growth of adolescence
The shining of adulthood
And the crashing swells of death?
Is it from the brute of Your strength
The grip of Your hand
The waving of Your finger
Or simply the blink of Your eyes?

What does it take
For the beginning of covenant
The growth of a promise
The shining of persistence
and the crushing weight of sacrifice?
Is it from the brute of Your power
The grip of Your sovereignty
The shining of Your mercy
Or the gaze of Your love? 

What does it take
For the start of acceptance
The growth of affection
The shining of commitment
And the crushing swells of love?
Is it from the brute of Your strength
The grip of Your hand
The waving of Your finger
Or simply the blink of Your eyes?  

What does it take
For you to love a sinner
To give an offering of reconciliation
To shine your endless grace
And hold the promise of redemption?
Is it from the brute of Your power
The grip of Your sovereignty
The shining of Your mercy
Or the gaze of Your love?  
 

What does it take
For You to pursue my soul
To give me Your unspeakable peace
To shine the piercing light of Your hope
And to hold me fiercely in Your arms?
Is it from the way You see me through Your eyes
The grip You have on my heart
The words you desire to put forth from my mouth
Or is it within the expanse of Your everlasting love?

These things I do not know in their fullness
But the depth of Your answers seizes my heart.

Retrofitting

There’s been something happening in San Luis Obispo over the last few years, and particularly within my last year there in 2010. The city imposed retrofit deadlines for unreinforced buildings to prevent a disaster when an earthquake may come again to the area. It has involved retrofitting 126 buildings over the last 13 years, with a majority of them occurring in the last couple. As I would walk around downtown SLO in my last year, it was such a visible change than the years prior. Businesses that were in buildings needed to be retrofitted had to downsize, relocate, or not operate for the duration of the retrofit of the building. The buildings themselves were gutted to their core. They were built up again from the inside out. During the process, one was able to recognize the buildings to a degree due to its location and somewhat continuity of its outside appearance. Yet, when the retrofit was done, the changes were often quite drastic. One knew it was the same place, yes, but it had been revamped and improved, and carried the mental knowledge that it was now stronger and more fit to withstand whatever forces may come in the future.

There were multiple buildings going through this at one time during my last year. This made it hard to hold onto what had been the reality in SLO. It was such a visible metaphor for what change was going to come and how it could not be stopped. It was at times, painful, for it is hard to embrace change and believe it really will be valuable for what the future brings.

There is not a detachment from the past though. These buildings were not altogether demolished, and that was a beautiful thing. I remember one building in particular—it was a sporting goods store. It had a brick façade, and during the process, the layers of the building were peeled back. One day I walked by to see a vintage “Rexall’s Drug Store” with a year of approximately 1950 painted below it, revealed beneath the brick façade that was removed. A few weeks later, the Rexall’s layer came off, and revealed United States Post Office, with the year of approximately 1910 beneath that. I was so fascinated by this and the history of it. The building had served very different entities, and though its history was masked for a time, it can never be erased. The building is now a restoration of the Wineman Hotel, which was established there in the 1930’s. I have loved that building and its process of retrofitting for some time, but even more so now.

You see, my life this last year has been a process of retrofitting. God has taken so many things and kept its structure, but has been stripping it down to its core to make it stronger for the future.

My concept of home: I grew up in the same city in Colorado Springs for 18 years with my family. Then, I moved to SLO for college, making that my first “independent” home. Now, I am married with my husband, and we are back in Colorado, splitting time with our respective families. Home is such a medley of so many things…it is location and people, how we interact with it and connect to it. So often I feel a piece of my heart stolen and left back in SLO. Though it is a blessing to be here in Colorado, it is not the same as what it was when growing up, and it is not what SLO was. I find the Lord retrofitting what I know home to be…and that is with Him and my husband, no matter where our physical location may be.

My concept of community: The end of high school and also the end of college brought much realization that many friendships are just for a season. Then, there are a few that are blessed to carry on much longer. And in new seasons, there needs to be a willingness to develop new relationships. Community consists of two realms: what is placed around me by my circumstances, such as my coworkers at work. These may not be my chosen community, but they are part of my community and I need to choose to engage with it and develop relationships within it. Then, there is chosen community in the people we choose to pursue. I have a really hard time investing in something if I don’t think I can invest in it long-term. This has led to a lack of community here in Colorado, because John and I keep thinking that we will be moving soon. The Lord is retrofitting me by stripping the way I have been able to pursue community in the past (by living with and in the same town as everyone, going to school together, etc.), by teaching me to value community in such a way that I am willing to sacrifice for it no matter what the long-term gain may be. This means developing relationships with co-workers. It means plugging into a body of believers. It means pursuing friendships from the past and seeking out new for the future. It means finding a deeper friend in my husband and my family. It means all of the aforementioned, and it means to invest in that no matter if the time frame is one month or a lifetime.

My concept of work: Working a full-time job is very different. I’ve also been pursuing my design business on the side, and so I have been finding more than 50 hours every week gone from working and commuting. It feels as if the balance is out of whack, and I don’t know yet how to balance marriage, my relationship with the Lord, community, and responsibilities with work. Yet, I know the Lord is in the process of retrofitting that because that is likely going to continue to be reality for at least a few years, and I must learn.

My relationship with the Lord: I have been connecting with the Lord in such a different way than I ever have before. I used to primarily through writing and conversations with others. Now, it has been through my times with my husband praying and studying the word together, and particularly through my 90 minutes of commuting every day. I like to call the time that I am in the car driving to work my “throne room” before the Lord. It is there that I am with Him, still, able to pray, able to worship, able to take in the beauty of the sunrise every morning. It is so different. Sometimes I feel like I am missing what I am supposed to be doing with Him, particularly journaling, and that is true to an extent. However, I have seen the Lord work incredibly in my heart and mind through these past 8 months. There is a resolve, trust, and peace in Him in the midst of very uncertain circumstances and future that requires a day-to-day living while maintaining a vision and hope for what will be one day. This was not present in me two years ago. Therefore, I see that the Lord is retrofitting my faith in taking what has existed and is making it stronger than it has been before, even as so much of what I know and have done to connect with the Lord before hardly exists now.

“To adapt to a new purpose or need : modify,” is one definition of retrofit given by Webster’s dictionary. I find it largely appropriate. It is a time of transition and retrofitting in my life, and the Lord is using it to adapt it to a new purpose or need both for right now and the future. I know that the history and memories of my life will not be void in this process, but that they must lend room for a building strengthening for the future. It is so tempting to hold onto what has been beloved and cherished, not wishing for change, but what could stand at one time cannot necessarily do so in the future. God is good to retrofit because He alone knows the course of our lives and what will come, and what needs to be done in our lives in the present in order that we may stand firm in Him in the future. Praise be to the One who has all the plans and knows the necessary changes to bring.

Chalice of Words

The haunting of words

rooted in love, growing out

from the breath of passion that is

Yours, Yours given, Holy Spirit inspired.

They lift weary souls to wonder

Create awe, forgiveness evasive

or so it appears to be…

But words, Your words

bridge that broken bough

that far fell from its height

It became lost, only to later be found.

Once again Your words are

known to be healing

and to bring an irreversible mend.

The gifts of the scribes and poets

Or is it a calling…?

to forever chase and wait on those elusive

words

that cry out to be written?

Oh…

Coin this chalice of affection that

Desperately seeks to be found

and known.

Give it an utterance in Your words.

These yearnings are currently lost and disposed

to wait in the abyss of my mind for

my words that may never come.

This gift

or calling

wants to be a curse

one that holds me ever in its grasp.

But no…

it is one of freedom

and restoration

and a voice to my soul You have redeemed

when these words are brought and found.

Stretching of the Heart

“The Lord spoke thus to me with a strong hand . . .” (Isaiah 8:11). There is no escape when our Lord speaks. He always comes using His authority and taking hold of our understanding. Has the voice of God come to you directly? If it has, you cannot mistake the intimate insistence with which it has spoken to you. God speaks in the language you know best— not through your ears, but through your circumstances.” –Oswald Chambers, January 29th, My Utmost for His Highest

Over this last week, my heart has felt more stretched than it has in a while. It is full of emotion, dreams, love, passion, and longing. A lot of this stretching is due to the circumstances God has me in currently, and He knows this is the language I know best.

He has provided with a full-time job currently, with the Denver Broncos/Invesco Field. I am currently commuting up to Denver, which is 45 minutes to an hour away depending on where I start. I am doing things I enjoy and love, in an environment that is conducive to who I am: “In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent.” There is a lot of trust of me even after just a couple of weeks. It is certainly provisional.

Before this job came through, John and I were praying about possibly moving to NYC by May. We still do feel the Lord’s leading in going there, and He continues to confirm it through small circumstances. On my first day of work, I was excited, but also feeling a little bad with the thought that I may not be at this job very long. My supervisor told me on the first day that I wouldn’t be working the 0-10 hours a week as was mentioned in the interview, but rather 40 hours a week if I was able. I will be doing that through March, until come April, when all part-time hours are to be cut completely due to the NFL Lockdown. I was and am amazed at how clear such an answer can be by the Lord. On the first day, He is providing with quadruple the hours (for the purpose of saving and working), and that was to be cut in April, to be reinstated in May to some degree. The Lord surely seems to have spoken through circumstance there.

A week after I started, John went up to Fort Collins to visit Kate and Chris (sister and bro-in-law) who are in the process of buying their first home. This home needs work to become what they wish it to be, and John has those gifts and talents of doing so. Chris would be doing the work over the summer time, and John was thinking it could be very good for us to move up there temporarily and help them out with that, spend time with them, and put off New York for a couple more months, unless a job offer comes through there first. That also seemed to be the Lord speaking through circumstance. Perhaps we are to stay here a little bit longer than May. The time with Kate and Chris would be wonderful. One of our best friends, Kyle Fletcher, will be in Fort Collins this summer for staff training. We would be able to spend more time in SLO in the middle of June for Landon’s wedding, which John is the best man of. If we don’t have anything concrete for New York yet at that point, then why wouldn’t we do this?

In these possible realities though, I feel my heart stretching a bit. I told John the other night that I feel more in limbo than ever. I am now working a full-time job, which is something I didn’t think would happen until we moved someplace else. Yet, we are now stretched between four different places. Castle Rock (where John’s parents are and we live part of the time), Colorado Springs (where my parents are and we live part of the time), New York (where we are trying to get jobs and eventually live), and now Fort Collins with the possibility of living up there for a bit to help out Kate and Chris with their new house. I am also investing 40 hours of the week with work in Denver. I am trying to invest in each of these places right now, because I believe that’s where and what God has me to do. It is a little bit tiring and depleting though. I don’t feel like John and I have our home, but rather a home in each of these places where we can lay our head for a bit. I want a home for John and I. I want to nest and establish our lives somewhere. It feels it has been a long time coming.

This is magnified even more this weekend when John and I are home alone together while his parents are celebrating their 30th anniversary in the Bahamas. We have four days alone together, which has only happened once since we have been here in Colorado for the last 6 months. I can’t express how my heart has been over these last couple of days…it is so incredibly full and overflowing with love and thankfulness for John and the fact that we are married. We are having a chance to cleave to one another independently from our families for a few days. I didn’t realize just how significant being here has hindered that from happening, because I do enjoy our families and they are blessings. But, they also have to be taken into consideration all the time when you are living with them. Though I will miss them much when we do leave, I am ready to resume what John and I somewhat started when we were in SLO for a month after we were married. I am ready to start “our” family in the context of just the two of us.

I am heartsick for a home. On Friday, I sat in the Denver Broncos stadium having lunch, and it was just the most glorious, sun-filled, warm day. It struck a chord with me in remembering that’s the kind of weather and life we had in SLO. I miss it so much. I miss it for the place it is, the people it has, and the life God gave us there. I find myself longing for it almost every day. I know it is the only home I’ve experienced on my own away from my childhood, and so there is that sentimentality attached to it. I’ve asked myself if I would be missing SLO as much if we establish a home somewhere else. I know I will always miss it to some level, but I think not as much as I am now.

So, my heart is stretched in God’s speaking through circumstances. Yet, in all of these possible realities and others that I do not know of yet, I see Him. I see His hand and provision in all of them. I am so thankful for that. My heart just does not yet know how to handle it completely. I hold fast to the fact that He will lead and He is leading us. I have no question in my mind about it. I just wonder how and when, for the reasons of anticipation and also fatigue in living so fully moment-to-moment without any planning.

"As servants of God, we must learn to make room for Him-to give God “elbow room.” We plan and figure and predict that this or that will happen, but we forget to make room for God to come in as He chooses. Would we be surprised if God came into our meeting or into our preaching in a way we had never expected Him to come? Do not look for God to come in a particular way, but do look for Him. The way to make room for Him is to expect Him to come, but not in a certain way. No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to overlook this element of surprise, yet God never works in any other way. Suddenly—God meets our life “. . . when it pleased God . . . .” Keep your life so constantly in touch with God that His surprising power can break through at any point. Live in a constant state of expectancy, and leave room for God to come in as He decides.” –Oswald Chambers, January 25, 2011, My Utmost for His Highest

I do want to know what will happen next and when, but that is not what God has in these circumstances. He wants me to continue to listen. He wants me to give Him elbow room to allow Him to come in as He decides. I imagine the realities that I mentioned as possibilities today still will not happen in the way I might expect them to or at all. He will continue to work.

Shepherds Abiding

“And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.’ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.’ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, ‘Let’s go to Bethlemen to see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.’ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.” Luke 2:8-20

I’ve been thinking about the groaning of creation in waiting for what was promised, a dear Savior that would redeem all. Since the beginning of time, they waited, and they waited a few thousand years before it would actually come to pass. How glorious was it for those who got to see it first hand, tangibly experiencing the deliverance of a promise so long waited for?

In meditating on the Christmas story this year, I was really struck by the fact God had the angel tell the shepherds first of the Savior’s birth.

I think about the Shepherds and what they did every day and night. Their flock was dependent upon them, and so it was the same mundane day after day in so many ways. They took turns keeping watch at night, three hours at a time. Around Passover every year and also during the time that Jesus was born, the sheep were sent out to the desert. The shepherds watched them in their vulnerable state as they wished to preserve them from the beasts of prey such as wolves. It wasn’t until the end of the first rain that they would reign their sheep back in again from the desert. That is a lot of diligent watching. That is a lot of understanding of the nature of the flock under their care. That is a lot of wisdom and discernment in what to do and when.

Yet, I imagine they were faithful to it. I imagine they accepted that it was their lot and went about doing it. I wonder if during it, they were consciously waiting for a miracle or a sign from God in the midst of the seemingly mundane. I wonder if they had a realization that the very things they were doing every day were shaping them in such a way that they would properly respond and act when their whole world would be changed by the appearing of an angel.

When the angel appeared to them, did it take them completely by surprise? Surely they had heard of the promise of a Savior, because the revelation by the angel that the Savior was born was not a complete surprise to them. We are told that they responded in fear. They feared that they were the subjects of heavenly rebuke. Proverbs 1:7 states that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom. These shepherds immediately knew and recognized what was before them, and I imagine they were in the right kind of fear. It only begins to show the wisdom that they soon displayed.

The angel was appearing to tell of good news. He first tells them not to be afraid, but to know that they were the first bearers of “good news of great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” Vs 11

What would it be like to be the first people told of the fulfillment of a promise so long awaited for? To be entrusted with such knowledge and opportunity to witness? And what is it to know God in such a way that as soon as this happens, they immediately believed, responded and went to go see…?

And once they were there, to see it fulfilled…how glorious to see a promise delivered in such a humble state, but exactly as it was proclaimed to them by the angel: “a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger, [this is the sign to you].” Upon seeing this sight, they declared and proclaimed what the angel had told them, confirming the faith of a virgin mother and husband in believing that what was said to pass now had. The shepherds were instrumental in the heart of Mary and Joseph, and Mary treasures their words as confirmation of hers and God’s son truly born before them in the flesh.

The Shepherds responded out of a proper fear of God, obedience, and reverence. The angel gave them exactly where they needed to go, what they needed to see, and the words they needed to say. They thus became the first proclaimers of the new Gospel and Christ the Lord. Among the presence of Mary and Joseph, they proclaimed the very thing the angel said to them: “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

Wow. What an experience. What a privilege to be seemingly ordinary men and shepherds singled out by God to be the first to see and proclaim the fulfillment of a long awaited promise. It seems like the story should end here with the shepherds. But, it doesn’t.

“The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things hey had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.” –vs 20

Yes. The shepherds return to their fields and flocks after seeing this sight. They glorified God for what had been told to them through the prophets and gospel history. And as shepherds in the fields, they were able to carry this message and experience forth for all those among them to hear. They had no opportunity for wavering conviction in such belief, as they were granted the privilege to see it firsthand. They become instruments of the gospel, exactly where they are at.
A seemingly mundane existence as a shepherd. But a glorious purpose in doing that very task. God had them exactly where they needed to be before the angel appeared to them, using their earthly duties to shape them in such a way that they would properly respond. And he doesn’t release them from their earthly duties after they experienced what they did. He had them return to the fields…because that’s where it was best. Though it would be easy to be resigned at this fact, the shepherds went forth praising the Lord for the privilege to bear such a message. And they carried it forth into the fields…exactly the place where they began.

May we not underestimate the daily duties before us, and trust that God has purpose in them. May we grow in our fear and reverence of the Lord and thus grow in wisdom. May we be ready to respond and act when He does intersect our daily path with something unexpected but of Him. May we treasure in our hearts what is given in those times, and carry them back with us to the “daily grind,” worshipping, glorifying, and praising Him all the more.

It is not a punishment or a neglecting of us on the Lord’s part to place us in what we deem ordinary circumstances. Rather, the circumstances are instrumental in preparing us for those extraordinary times when He deems us ready. Therefore, may we be diligent in the ordinary, allowing Him to shape us, lead us and teach us. And when the moment of the extraordinary does come and then comes to pass, may we then treasure what has been given to us and give it to others. We are always blessed…ordinary or extraordinary, for we are Known.

Agent of Waiting or Catalyst for Change?

As I write, John is currently in NYC, a much awaited for trip. Tomorrow morning, he has an interview with a great architecture firm we are praying will become a job for him. We’ve been awaiting and taking steps towards New York for about 8 months now. It has been a quite slow but steady journey. There are so many reasons I could list as to why we hope to move to NYC and how the Lord has been leading us there, but I don’t feel that is the point of tonight’s entry.

I’ve been thinking about the adult life. There are so many decisions we make that are interdependent. Some things that are perhaps smaller on our list of life priorities carry a heavier weight when it comes to their degree of which they can influence a decision and therefore, life. I’m thinking about John’s interview. In all of the world, and specifically, in all of Manhattan (which we are continually realizing more and more just how big it is!), John is going to one specific office on one specific day at one specific time. He is having one specific interview with one specific person, and what happens in that will direct the next steps we take in our lives, whatever those may be. Say he gets an offer for a job. Then, we will pack up our lives we’ve temporarily had here in Colorado to move to a specific apartment in a specific part of a specific borough in NYC. Such a specific thing can lead to such a broad change.

It sometimes seems so crazy to me that people really do relocate solely for the purpose of work. They are willing to change the course of their lives and where they live in order to work at a specific job. As Americans, we tend to complain most about work and not want it to consume our lives; yet it often becomes a majority if not all, of our life. Whether blindly or not, we have chosen to submit to a key instrument that plays its forces in what we do with where we work.

It sometimes seems so crazy to me that John and I plan to move to NYC in the Lord’s will and timing. We are the contrary to the typical worker in a way; we have so many more reasons for wanting to move there. But, we must wait on something that seems so small in the light of it all: a full-time job for at least one of us. Practically, it’s a very big thing that holds us back, as we need money to live in the city and support ourselves. In the light of it all, it really does seem small…fully under the Lord’s doing and making, and not the sole reason of why we want to live in the city.

It makes me realize that the small things in our lives are usually bigger than we think, and they are often the true catalysts that bring about desired change. They are the things of which we must wait upon and seek the Lord’s way and timing in. And that is so good.

God, the great Designer, orchestrates our lives in such a way that everything within it, big or small, is interdependent. If we rush ahead or lag behind of His timing, we run the risk of severing the cord that binds it all together that helps us to see His working. We distance ourselves from the chance to understand His intricacies. But, if we would walk in Him confidently, taking the steps He puts before us in the time they are meant to be taken, then we will see little by little, which eventually adds up to much.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As for us and NYC, we pray that God will continue to open this door of a job for John out of this interview. A job has been our “specific thing.” It’s currently been an agent of waiting, and we pray that it will become a catalyst for change. We believe that He is able to fulfill it to the end. At the same time, we understand that His ways are higher than ours and we do not fully understand His will and timing.

God uses such specific things in our lives as catalysts for change, often resulting in change in broad ways. He uses them to help us to move or to wait, both within faith. These specific things cannot be severed from the grand picture of it all. Just because we don’t see the reason or the connection does not mean it is not there, and we best accept it for what it is in its time. These specific things often affect our whole lives.

God is so good to do this. He works in this way with us personally too. We can often get frustrated with what He puts before us to work on or to be refined. A lot of times, it seems like something we could just bypass for a while or it’s not a big deal. Or, we continue to work on it with little success and wish we could just move forward anyway. It doesn’t work that way though.

I’ve heard it said from the pastor of the church we’ve been attending here in Colorado that if we keep failing a test of the Lord’s, He keeps putting it before us again so we can pass the test. We cannot move forward until we do. That is such a good thing. Would you want to go to college if you never went to high school? One would feel so over their head and wondering why the college people let him/her in without the preparation that was needed in order to succeed in it. God prevents similar things from happening in our lives also, unless He deems it necessary for us to be in over our heads.

A girl I discipled in high school’s father passed away suddenly a couple of weeks ago. She wrote to her friends about how she was feeling after it. Something she said hit me strongly: “I am thankful God has been preparing our family for this even though we never saw it coming.”

God is all-wise, all-knowing, and understands us so intimately. We need to see those specific things in our life and how they are operating as either catalysts for change or agents of waiting. We need to see that “test,” and then work to pass it. He knows when we are ready, and He will use those specific things in our lives exactly as they are needed for where we are at currently.

If John does receive an offer out of this though, then this one thing we have been waiting for, the specific thing of choice of God’s, will become the catalyst for a change and move rather than the agent of waiting it has been. John will report to a specific office at a specific location at a specific time five days a week to do a specific job. And all of those specific circumstances lead to a big change in our lives that have so many specifics to be determined: a move to New York City.

"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

The circumstances of which He has ordained by the words He has given us will accomplish what He purposes in us moving there.

"For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

When God makes that specific thing of a job become a reality, it will become a catalyst for change, and it will be a cause for celebration!

Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the Lord, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.

And we will endeavor to go forth so that others may see the goodness of the Lord in the city they believe is full of living, but within the soul creates emptiness. May we then be an everlasting sign that will not be cut off to who the Lord is and that others may know Him too.

Scripture from Isaiah 55:8-13

Need-Love Satisfied?

There are some strong characteristics I’ve noticed about myself as a woman. I have also seen it in other women around me at times, and therefore, I think it is reasonable to assume that it is true for many.

We as women are relational creatures. We are relational in how we interact with the world around us, and we are relational in how we live our relationship with the Lord. Being relational is a core part of our being. It is something we must operate upon or wither within. We can’t imagine our lives without the people we love, and even the people we haven’t met yet. Sometimes though, it can also render extreme pain and heartache, causing us to wrestle with this core component of our being and wonder why we have to need people.

I see two ways we as women, often go about our lives in the aspect of being relational.
1: We either try to be vulnerable in the way God has called us to be in community; or,
2: we try to guard our heart closely and keep it for the Lord.
Regardless of which way we try to go, we usually end up going more toward the extreme on one end: trusting the people around us fully with ourselves and not guarding our heart at all; or being so guarded that no healthy relationship or trust can enter with others. We also swing the pendulum. We go from times of extreme vulnerability to times of being extremely guarded. The struggle for the middle ground proves difficult.

Marriage is showing me more depth in how I operate relationally than I have ever really seen before.

Prior to marriage, we as women look to Lord for many things: intimacy, security, self-worth, unconditional love, companionship, faithfulness, commitment, and more. Before marriage, these things may be found in the friendships and relationships around us, but usually only a couple of things are found in each, and they are usually not consistent. In this living of life in this world, there are a lot of times in which we are disappointed and broken and we come running to the Lord. We know Him; we know He provides and we know who He is. Again, we realize He is the only One to whom we can truly cling. We know that we are only truly safe with Him.

Prior to marriage in a dating relationship, even one centered around the Lord, there can still be a bit of a strain. We attempt to be vulnerable with the other, but it is hard to be in the middle ground in that where we should be. We either give ourselves away too fully or remain so guarded that developing intimacy proves difficult. We either place our trust fully in the man that is in front of us or fully in the Lord, instead of the “middle ground,” which is trusting the Lord in how He has placed the man in our life and how He will use him. It is really hard to do all of this without a firm commitment, usually coming with engagement, and a commitment that certainly comes with marriage.

Marriage is such a drastic change from anything ever experienced before. For the first time in one’s life, the things previously looked for in both this world and the Lord, only found satisfied in the Lord, are now found satisfied through another, outlined in some of the following ways:
Intimacy: there is no question of not having this, as every aspect of oneself is revealed…the emotional, spiritual, mental, and now physical. There is no more room to hide.
Security: one has this in a way never had before. There is now a man with her practically 24/7. In the place where a woman most longs for security, at night in her own bed, marriage brings that as a reality.
Self-worth: as our society idolizes marriage and weddings, newlyweds can easily have a higher value of self-worth because there are now no questions about the dating relationship or when one is getting married…one now is. One has now entered something a lot of people dream about.
Unconditional love: in a way, one has it more concretely. It must be said that in marriage, there is no escaping the fact that there are two sinners living together and their need of You is prevalent. But at the same time, marriage shows grace given in a way that is seldom seen before. No one else, other than the Lord, has ever seen one as transparent as the new husband does. He sees all the good and all the bad. Yet at the end of the day, he is still married and committed to his bride, loving her and giving grace.
Companionship: this is certainly given. One is now living life day-to-day, moment in and moment out, with her beloved. He is with her in the morning as she wakes up and when she lays her head down at night. There is continuity in this companionship that was not experienced before.
Faithfulness and Commitment: the marriage vows call for this and compel one to abide by it. At the end of the day, one just can’t break up or call a time off simply because things aren’t going too well. Each are in it for the long haul, the good times and bad.

All of these things just outlined were previously found quite empty in the world and its people before marriage. Due to the lack, it drives us women to a need and hunger for the Lord’s companionship. There is a burning desire for intimacy and to be known, accepted, and loved by the Lord, because it certainly is not fulfilled by the world, even in the closest of friends and family. And so, in our hearts, our minds and our life, we are married to Him.

With a man the Lord has put in our lives, there is that desire to experience fullness in a way that we never have before with another human being. In this, we aim to remember that we know the Lord, we trust His provision of the man before us, and know He loves marriage. There is therefore, a longing hard to express in words to be married to a man also. And so as women, we wait eagerly for the wedding day, when there will finally no longer be any barriers or holding back. On that day, just as we are fully known by Him, we finally have the chance to be fully known by another…

And so after the wedding day, when it is just the new bride and groom, there is this recognition that they have entered something that was previously impenetrable. They have been plunged into the depths of another human being, now being woven into one flesh, one entity. Husband and wife. It is unlike anything ever previously experienced before in this world and will be unlike anything else…

We women now understand that somehow, our lives will never be the same again. We women have now entered into a human relationship that satisfies so much of what was previously only looked to the Lord for.

With marriage, sometimes it feels like there is no longer a need-love for God. We are not driven to Him in the same way we once were. He is no longer the only person to whom we can cry out to and with.

What was once empty in the relationships found in the world is now brimming full.

And what was once incredibly full in the sole relationship found with the Lord is in danger of becoming empty.

In his book The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis describes “need-love” as a kind of love “that will not last longer than the need. This does not, fortunately, mean that all affections which begin in need love are transitory. The need itself may be permanent or recurrent…but where need-love is left unaided, we can hardly expect it not to die on us once the need is no more. That is why the world rings with the complaints of mothers whose grown-up children neglect them, and of forsaken mistresses whose lovers’ love was pure need—which they have satisfied. Our need love for God is in a different position because need of Him can never end in this world or in any other. But our awareness of it can, and then the need-love dies too.”

Oh, God uses marriage, yes He does. He uses it as a refining tool unlike any other. The truths that we have known and somewhat have come to understood with our relationship with the Lord become a stark reality in marriage. Our sinfulness. Our selfishness. Our need for grace. God empowers those who know Him in marriage to be convicted of such things, and to learn how to bestow mercy and grace. To give love and forgiveness. We easily and often are incredibly humbled by how the Lord loves us in spite of our shortcomings. We are humbled by the beautiful picture He gives in marriage of our relationship with Him.

However, it’s so easy to look to the marriage relationship to fill our relationship with the Lord. In this, we neglect an important truth: marriage is not intended to replace. It is intended to enrich and supplement our relationship with Him.

It is harder to understand the need-love for God, because we are now satisfied in so many respects by marriage. But, marriage cannot, and never can be, our Savior from ourselves.

We need to remember the middle ground we had to learn before and while dating: to look to the Lord first and to trust the Lord in how he is using marriage in our lives so we first and foremost, may know and serve Him.

We need to come back to the core of who we are to understand our need for the Lord in a new way. While He gives intimacy, love, companionship, and more, we shouldn’t look to Him to only satisfy those needs. There are greater ones too, ones He reminds us of in marriage. That is, we are fallen. We are sinful. We are selfish. We are broken. We forever need refining. And while man and marriage may be an instrument in redeeming these things, it and he can never be the Master. There is only One who is unchanging, and it is not human. He is the One who redeems.

Regardless of our needs (and there are so many), “our need of Him can never end in this world or in any other.” Soberly, may we always remember that "our awareness of it can, and then the need-love [of God can die] too.” Yet finally, may we praise Him that we as women are created as relational creatures, and are always in need of Him.

Married for Eternity

Tonight I was at the Watson’s house, helping my best friend in Colorado’s family begin wedding planning for their beautiful Catherine. Tine, my best friend here, came home towards the end of it, and we are having breakfast at 9 tomorrow morning. Seeing as how it was 10 p.m. at that time, a thought I’ve had many times through the years passed through my mind… “I might as well just spend the night here since we’re getting together so soon anyway.” It very quickly dawned on me that I couldn’t do that…I have a husband, and he was even sitting at the table with me! ☺ Strange what the contexts of life’s histories thrust one back into.

It’s been a year since I was in Catherine’s current shoes. I remember a year ago so clearly…being on the beach in Santa Barbara as John proposed…the following hours and days from then in joyfully celebrating with many people, starting the wedding planning process and our last year of college. It is such an understatement to say how much has happened in a year and how quickly it has gone by.

I am here. In Colorado. A college graduate. But most significantly…

I am now married for life. Such a simple statement, but so much depth and meaning within it.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this ritual while in bed at night trying to fall asleep. I have since found out it’s a good sleep tactic, but that’s a bit beside the point right now. I would focus my thoughts and always think about the same thing…and it was that thought that would bring me to sleep. For the last several years, it has been of a wedding day and being married. For the last couple of years, it has been visions of John’s and my wedding day and us being married. It was always a vision, almost always far off, a desired reality but not a tangible one at the present. Yet, in those last conscious moments before sleep, it brought rest and peace.

Now there’s a man in my bed when I go to sleep. It’s a funny statement, but a reality with so much depth and meaning in it…

There have been a lot of quiet moments at night when we are falling asleep when I remember the moments I used to have. The thoughts that were always a far off reality are now real, living and breathing moments. This man that I have hoped and dreamed for now rests beside me. In these present moments, I wonder how this came to be.

I remember the process very well, but it is still surreal that we are actually married now. Still surreal that this man loves me and has chosen to spend the rest of my life with me. It still seems like yesterday we were sitting in each other’s dorm rooms, having long conversations about life and the Lord with the thought of marrying each other beginning to creep into each other’s minds unbeknownst to the other. Somehow five years have passed and what was so long awaited for has come to fruition.

In marriage, we grow more and more comfortable with each other and the depths of who we are continue to be cracked open, he finds the quirks and other things endearing in some way. It is strange to feel such a freedom with another person. This is saying a lot for me as I am generally a very open book and person with the people in my life. But, I am realizing that I am a very self-controlled person too.

Marriage breaks that down. There is freedom and acceptance found in the bounding of a covenant made to each other before the Lord.

I often marvel at what I have been given through John. But through it, I’ve been convicted in that I need to marvel more at what the Lord is showing me through John about Himself…

I don’t always understand why I am chosen. What about myself makes me lovable, to the point that one would lay his life before me and down for me. I don’t always understand the unwavering commitment given to me in the midst of my emotions and falling short. I can’t comprehend the depth that will develop over a lifetime. I can shirk away from acceptance to be safe alone.

I ask John these questions sometimes. He never really gives me a specific answer. That is a good thing.

I don’t need to be justified with reasons why. I simply need to know that I am, and to live fully in that.

I don’t always understand why I am chosen by the Lord. What about myself is loveable to the point that He would give His life up on the cross for me. I don’t always understand His unwavering commitment given to me when I continually fall short. I can’t comprehend the depth that will build upon what has already been built, and that it will continue for a lifetime. I can shirk away from His acceptance because I don’t understand it, but I can understand myself when I am alone.

I need to ask the Lord these questions. These questions that have been pressed upon my heart in the beginning of marriage--that I may venture deeper into the depths of Himself. I need to ask these questions not out of seeking a justification of reasons why about myself, but to know the reasoning of His heart and His character. To understand more about the fact that somehow I am, so I may live fully in that.

I recently read a wedding photographer’s blog about a wedding he shot, and the pastor presenting the new husband and wife as “a brand new creation, something that has never existed before in the history of the world.” That is profound. Its meaning is not at risk to get lost with me in John’s and my marriage right now.

But, I do think it’s at risk to be lost in my relationship with the Lord right now. I forget I am a brand-new creation in the Lord, forgiven, redeemed, and being sanctified. Some of these things are a one-time deal. Others are a process. I have walked with the Lord for 10 years now…wow. Yet something else that seems to have flown by. The magnitude of truth and change that the Gospel bears needs to remain fresh. If it is not to me, then how can I expect to live it and communicate it to others and have it impact them?


I am humbled by marriage. I am deeply grateful for the reasons God has ordained and blessed it. I am thankful for the ways He uses it as a deeper picture of Himself, and that marriage, the most profound of all human relationships, ultimately points back to the greatest relationship of them all…

With Him. Married for eternity.

“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:9-12

[In]definite

A short snapshot into me:
I am a detail-oriented person. I thrive on learning information and knowing different things. I love to plan and set things in action. I like to always be doing something, and I tend to do better when I have more rather than fewer things to do. I like seeing the big picture and envisioning it if I can then respond by figuring out how to make it a reality or what is practical in it. I am not one to like things up in the air for long. I love questions if I can also seek out the answer.

This is not a conclusive list to who I am, but it does show a large side of my character and how I operate in life…and these are things I would often include when people would ask me to describe myself.

Just like I say in the list above, I love to know different things, and I love to have answers. This is true in how I treat myself as well. Many people have pointed out to me how well I seem to know myself and how self-aware I am. I like to think that as I get older, I figure myself out more and more, as if it were a vast, yet definite answer that I will one day reach.

Yet, in myself, and in my circumstances, God is leading quite a path into the indefinite that I haven’t experienced in this measure before. A time of no concrete circumstances. Of no concrete characteristics. No, instead, they are ambiguous, being remolded and reshifted into whatever He desires them and me to be. Could it be that what eventually happens are things that I may know now? In part, I think that could be very true. But the rest—it’s left unknown to me for what God deems now to be the better good in the meantime.

John and I left SLO a month ago to spend time in Colorado before heading to New York City, where we believe God is leading us. We’ve already been here a bit longer than we had hoped or planned for. Yet, more and more, we realize that God is very purposeful in where He has us in the meantime.

This season is so purposeful but it is also sometimes difficult. It is a simple one. It shines a purer and brighter light on who I really am and causes me to see and evaluate that, and more than ever, surrender to the Lord. A few days ago, I was also at this point where I felt like everything has so many dimensions that the answer is so complicated. I was trying to seek out the answers I want rather than the answer that has been given. But, the reality I am finding is that the more complicated life gets, the simpler the answer to everything becomes. It is that everything comes from, goes to, and goes through the Lord. How Jesus chooses to manifest the results may be complicated and dynamic to us, but it's not up to us, and we need not concern ourselves with that.

It begs the need for quietness of spirit. It begs the discipline of rest and simplicity in our hearts and demeanor. And it comes from trust…do we trust the Lord? Can we wait upon Him? Can we rest in Him?

In a quiet spirit, there our hearts are inclined to listen and hear from the ever gracious Holy Spirit. In a quiet spirit, there is both a surrender of our desires for the present situation, and an acceptance of what the Lord has brought in them instead of what we envisioned. From that, there can be a response of willingness and joyfulness in being where He has placed us.

Here.

Right now.

To be soft for the shaping.

Willing for the changing.

Patient in the waiting.

Steadfast in the hoping.

Passionately living by faith.

He has brought us through before, and He will continue to in the present and future.

He is good to remind us of this…God asked me the question of where my heart is at with waiting on hearing and forsaking my hearing aids about a week or so ago. I was able to respond without a hesitation that I wouldn't trade or change it for anything…

Even though it’s ambiguous and at times more than ever I am walking by faith and not by sight…He has done far more than I ever could have imagined with the lack. He has shown Himself to me over and over again in that process. Still I wait.

It’s much like now. John and I know Who we trust. Yes, it’s indefinite and ambiguous. Yes, it’s hard sometimes. Yes, there is a lack of knowledge and answers we would love to have. But that’s not what God has ordained for this season. Through Him, the answer is simple.

And we will wait. God will shape us indefinitely…but in Him, we are definitely known.

Willing May I Be

Tonight
These are the words I can bring
But they’re only these.
Only these words.
Tonight, this is all I can sing

I am a willing wagon
Fill me with many trinkets
A vessel for Your provision
In all of the unexpected things
Things of worth not bought but found
That they would multiply and manifest
Showing volumes of a generous giver
From You who knows them best
Oh, willing may I be.

I am a willing mannequin
Pin upon me Your glory
And I will stand in the window
Just as You would have me be
Displayed in the fashion of which I was made
That they would see Your beauty on me
Long for what they think they can’t have
Only to find they can for free
Oh, willing may I be.

I am a willing puppet
Open up my mouth with a string
A gateway to Your heart
So as You move You may move me
Pour forth what ought to be singed
That they would hear Your love song
awakening their heart to Your romance
This for what the world so longs
Oh, willing may I be.

Yes, these are the words I can sing
They’re these words.
Your words given.
Tonight, this is what I bring.

Many Days=Two Months, and Two=One

I’ve wondered when this post might come. It has been almost two months since I last wrote here…and when I last wrote, I didn’t know when today would be. When would be the day when I would feel somewhat capable of being able to express and articulate what has happened in the time since then? Tonight I don’t feel capable of that either, but there is a resounding message in my heart that I must express in some fashion. I often neglect how the Lord ministers to me in times when I must come and process with the intention of being articulate enough that others may too understand. I need the intention of being articulate enough that I may understand.

For some reason, life has this funny thing of fusing together endings and beginnings. I can’t say how true that speaks for the last two months. I graduated college, ending a stage of life that God has used in ways I will never be able to fully measure. I had two weeks with my mom wrapping up wedding planning. I had many moments with Elise as we sought to live well and process all of this change. I had time with friends at and around graduation, celebrating and remembering all the things we have shared. I had dates with my fiancé, as we sought to prepare for marriage in the time we had left. My best friend from childhood, Tine, came in. I celebrated my bachelorette party with women I hold so dear to my heart. I walked downtown to farmer’s with my dad for my last date as just his daughter. We had family come in. And a lot of friends.

It was June 27th, 2010. There were blue and purple dresses, purple skinny ties, white and green flowers, a setting of a lawn beside a barn in the Central coast hills, and lots of white chairs. There was a white dress and a black suit. There were two small boxes holding circles of precious metal. There was laughter. There were tears of joy. There were prayers. There was incredible peace. I stood in the frame of a door under an awning where the brilliant afternoon sun shone upon me, taking in the moment for a bit. Our dear attendants lined up to walk down. My dad came and took my arm. I walked through a row of lemon trees, through an arbor, where a crowd of witnesses awaited. I was given to my groom. We reflected upon and entered into the sanctity of the marriage covenant with full faith and utmost joy…and we celebrated. We celebrated through listening to heartwarming and humbling toasts, eating really good food and even better cake, a waltz as One, moments with the parents and moments with our friends. We ended the night with a tossing of a bouquet, a shooting of an elephant, and an evasion of a bubble gun attack by our parents. We left after a massive group hug and tunnel of wishes to our jungle fever getaway car. And John and I began our life as One.

There were two weeks with just one another, first in Shell Beach and then in Cabo San Lucas. There was a lot of sun, a lot of really bad music, and a lot of good mojitos. There was reading of books, solving of puzzles, and playing of games. There was food poisoning, lots of instant mashed potatoes and saltines. There was laughter. There was rest. There was joy. There was adventure. There was time in the word and prayer. There was a catamaran sunset ride, jet skis in the ocean, and parasailing in the sky. There was $150 in parking fees at the airport. And then we returned to “the life we knew” in SLO.

Since then, everything has been the same but at the same time, everything is different. There has been a lot of ministry to those we hold dear. People in the midst of heartbreak, people in the midst of transition, people in the midst of sin and repentance, and people in the midst of change. There has been a heaviness in our hearts in the midst of it at times, but thankfulness that we can be here. There has been job searching, lots of cover letter drafts and resume tweaking. There has been research of subway routes, NYC boroughs, and actual skyscraper heights (really tall). There have been spontaneous yogurt runs, scheduled actual runs, name change appointments and more. There has been a joy in living day in and day out with the one we love. There has been “gender shock” in living with a person of the opposite sex. There has been prayer. There has been the awareness and revealing of our sinful flesh. There have been times of being overwhelmed. There are so many moments of thankfulness and so much joy. There has been trust. There has been surrender.

There are single days, and there is two months.

Yet, in it all, and over all, there is the Lord…

He is enduringly strong.

He is entirely sincere.

He is eternally steadfast.

He’s immortally graceful.

He’s imperially powerful.

He’s impartially merciful.

He’s a sinner’s Savior

He’s the centerpiece of civilization.

He’s unparalleled.

He’s unprecedented.

He supplies strength for the weak.

He’s available for the tempted and tried.

He sympathizes and he saves.

He strengthens and He sustains.

He guards and He guides.

He forgives sinners.

He delivers the captive.

He defends the feeble.

He rewards the diligent.

He beautifies the meager.

He’s the doorway of deliverance.

He’s the pathway of peace.

He’s the roadway of righteousness.

He’s the highway of holiness.

He’s the gateway of glory.

His goodness is limitless.

His mercy is everlasting.

His Love never changes.

His word is enough.

His grace is sufficient.

His yoke is easy.

His burden is light.

He’s indescribable

He’s incomprehensible

He’s invincible

He’s irresistible

You can’t get him out of your mind

You can’t get him off your hand

You can’t live without Him…(1)

And He is the reason I breathe and live this blessed, full life that I do. Come every joy, blessing, every trial, every temptation…because through it, this I come to know more and more in every moment…

He is my King.

Brick Shelters

A couple of weeks ago, I took the wrong bus home. It took me on a half hour loop back to school. In that half hour, I had already missed the right bus, so I had to wait another half hour. But, it’s funny how God uses apparent chaos to bring about stillness…

I found myself sitting at the bus stop across from the dorm that I lived in Freshman year, Sequoia Hall. I could look straight at the window I called my own, and I looked at the other windows which that year, belonged to some people I love. I looked at the TV lounge and remembered many games. I reminiscenced about the study lounge and all the late night projects, parties, and gatherings. It was there in that building that year so many things manifested…

God created a community consisting of people I love, people whom I still hang out with to this day. It is a community that has been faithful to get together for everyone’s birthday, the game nights, volleyball days, murder mystery Halloween parties, and finals week IHOP gatherings, the last of which we had tonight. It has been a community that has lived well together, and largely a community of people who love the Lord and seek after Him. Two of them got married two months ago, one of whom is one of my dearest friends.

God blessed me with a roommate who remains one of my favorite people ever to this day. By placing me with someone so completely different yet fully compatible with me, I learned much about humor, running life’s race together, unconditional love, and complete acceptance. She’s going to Harvard Grad school for Architecture next year!


I remember late nights in my dorm room after finishing my homework, where I would sit in the darkness except for my desk lamp, and journaling into the early morning. The year was so incredibly full, and the Lord brought me so incredibly close to Him. I read some of those entries today, and it reminds me of the importance of knowing our necessity for the Lord…when we are in great need, He is gracious. He loves to make Himself known in the lives of His children. He will provide in unexpected ways.


I remember laundry room conversations with Elise, the beginning of our friendship and learning about who each other were. We were not well known by each other at the time, but from the beginning of our friendship, we committed to pursuing each other and loving each other as sisters in the Lord. This day, she is one of the best friends I will ever have, and the bond we share is as close as can be experienced in the context of Phileo love.

It was on the second day of living in that dorm that a certain boy, upon his arrival, walked to my door and knocked, as he had said he would. I was immediately intrigued, having only met him the week before. The following evening, we found ourselves talking for four hours straight and knew this was something unusual and special. Over the course of the year and countless hours of talking together, fun adventures with our friends, leading prayer and worship together for a group of believers, and a moonlit hike and noteworthy blog later, we knew we had been given something special in each other. This same face of this boy, now turned man, I will find waiting for me at the end of the aisle just three weeks from today, when I will look in his eyes much like that first day, but this time, I will be his bride…

My right bus arrived, giving an interruption to this reflecting, yet providing a catalyst for remembering what has been and what is today. As I sat down and it rolled away from the curb, leaving the dorm behind, I found myself in overwhelming thankfulness…

Who would’ve known that a girl from Colorado, not knowing a soul before going to Cal Poly, would be so incredibly blessed and forever changed by things that could happen within an unassuming brick building? I would not have guessed it myself then. That year has since passed and taken four others with it, and I now find myself 6 days away from graduation, 21 from being married.

And though everything is changing and many things are coming to an end, there is such a God-given peace in the transition…

On the day of June 2nd in My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, this is written: “What are you haunted by? You will say—by nothing, but we are all haunted by something, generally by ourselves, or, if we are Christians, by our experience. The Psalmist says we are to be haunted by God. The abiding consciousness of the life is to be God, not thinking about Him. The whole of our life inside and out is to be absolutely haunted by the presence of God. A child’s consciousness is so mother-haunted that although the child is not consciously thinking of its mother, yet when calamity arises, the relationship that abides is that of the mother. So we are to live and move and have our being in God, to look at everything in relation to God, because the abiding consciousness of God pushes itself to the front all the time..."

As he usually does, Chambers puts into words so well what I wish I could express or didn’t even know I needed to express.

It would be easy for me to be haunted by my experiences over the last five years of college. There are so many memories. Yet as I sat on the beach at Montana de Oro with Elise today, I found myself in realization of what continues to prevail in my heart…the overwhelming presence of God. The grace of God…the faithfulness of God…the mercy of God…the blessings of God…the sovereignty of God…the thankfulness for a life lived with such a wonderful God. He has given the last five years. Rather than cling onto them tightly now, I wish to give them up as a praise offering to our Lord, that He may be known and glorified through what He has established and done.

The first day in the dorm, there was no way for me to possibly fathom what was to happen in the five years to come. Today, at the cusp of another new beginning in life, there is still no way I can possibly fathom or fully prepare for what is to come. Yet, in this still night, there is a recognition of something that has happened in between the beginning and end of this season…

"...If we are haunted by God, nothing else can get in, no cares, no tribulation, no anxieties. We can see now why Our Lord so emphasized the sin of worry. How can we dare be so utterly unbelieving when God is round about us? To be haunted by God is to have an effective barricade against all the onslaughts of the enemy. ‘His soul shall dwell at ease.’ In tribulation, misunderstanding, slander, in the midst of all these things, if our life is hid with Christ in God, he will keep us at ease. We rob ourselves of the marvelous revelation of this abiding companionship of God. ‘God is our refuge’-nothing can come through that shelter."

The blessings of abiding companionship of the Lord have graciously been manifested. Though I know so little of what to do and what is to be in this next season of life—post-college; beginnings of marriage; new city, career, and community/ministry, I have come to learn that the Lord is my refuge and nothing can come through that shelter.

And best concluded by another favorite author, Elisabeth Elliot…

"Almighty God, you alone can bring order to the unruly wills and affections of sinners: grant your people grace to love what You command and desire what You promise; that among the swift and varied changes of the world, our hearts may surely there be fixed where true joys are to be found, through Christ Jesus, our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever, amen."

Amen.

Abundance

This is a full season of life to say the least—and there are moments of reflection throughout. The times of longer reflection are fewer and further between, but God is so good to make those times of reflection substantial…what food for the soul they are, and how much reason they bring to give thanks and praise to my dear Lord!

Tonight I read one of my blogs from this time a year ago, and it really was truly amazing. It provided so much context for what the Lord has been doing in me this year.

The following is from my long typing conversation with Tine last week. We talked for 2.5 hours on Skype. It was a wonderful blessing of how to process—I was able to verbally with another, a needed thing in this season, but able to process through the written word. God blessed the time tremendously and really brought words and lessons forth. I thank Him for that. It was sweet to talk to her because I had to sum up what has happened in the larger part of the year. God has done much, and it is sweeter than it ever has been because this time, I am coming to understand for the first time that it is not dependent or contingent upon me.

It's been such a different year, in so many different ways. I would say the biggest theme is that God has shown me who He is and what He does apart from myself. There have been times I have had so little to give in the ways that I am used to with Him...such as being in the Bible, journaling, etc., but God has been teaching me what it looks like to quiet myself before Him in each moment, look to Him to sustain and provide, and then let Him do it. Nothing of what He does, both for me and for others and for Himself, depends on anything that I do. This is something that I've known head knowledge wise, but not really truly begun to understand until this year.

God is faithful apart from me. He is sovereign apart from me. His will will be done with or without me. All I need concern myself with is to be in His presence, look to Him to lead, and heed the quiet whisper and leading...

1 Kings 19: And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper."

It's been a quiet year as to what is happening "outside of me" as far as what I am doing, but it has left this immense amount of room for God to work on my inner heart…

That the truths that I know, the truths that I have followed, would not be just what I know in my head and what I do, but rather rooted deep within the core of my being. That the actions I take would become instinct, a response, rather than a conscious point of action.

God, in His sweet tenderness, really has wooed me. There is so much more peace and quietness in my spirit, and it's only due to His grace. It's a good way to live.

I love this passage too-after Jeremiah 29:11, which everyone loves, but this is so crucial: Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

We so often look at just one side or the other: What is our responsibility? Or what does God do for us? Yet, it is an exchange—a relationship—living, breathing and active. It is not a set of rules we are to follow or something in which we seek God only for our own benefit.

Christine Watson: Yes. It's about the relationship that is formed. The day in and day out communion with him, not about what you do for him or what he does for you. All of those things come out of the relationship with him.

Exactly. I don't think I've really understood that until this year, but I'm finding that more and more. I've always been a person who has felt this sense of responsibility, especially in reciprocating what is done for me. And yes, I should reciprocate what God has done and does for me...but it needs to be a response and action out of love for Him, rather than a sense of responsibility.

And oh grace! How grace is given freely!

It's been a process this year too in learning and growing into one with John—much change there. It is amazing how much of a shift happens in an individual relationship with God as one prepares for marriage. Because, one, I can't necessarily process or understand everything as an individual. A lot of processing and learning is done through an active exchange with him! It's a very interesting thing. It is teaching me a lot about respect and submission. Another, when to speak and when not to speak. Though I may want to be heard on something, I don't necessarily need to be heard. My opinion doesn't always matter; I can just let him lead.

Marriage is amazing. But if I had to pick one word for it though, I would say it is humbling. It's humbling for many reasons...one, because you are definitely more aware of your own shortcomings when with another and vice versa, humbling in that a marriage depends on God being in the center of it for it to thrive. But mostly, humbling in that God desires to give a gift so great as to spend your life with another, through the ups and downs and all that life brings...and it is the ultimate reflection of the love Christ has for His church; an illusion of what we will experience in heaven. God has deemed marriage in His good purposes to benefit us most here on this earth for us to learn what we will one day experience.

…

My Lord, You are God. And there is no other. There is none like You.

I become overwhelmed when I am with You…overwhelmed by You and who You are. It is a good overwhelmed! You are faithful. Sovereign. Loving. Gracious. And so many more things. I love You. I love this life I get to live with You.

It is my prayer that as I have been given much, that I would give much in return. Lord, may I always offer myself back to You, and allow You to pour me out where You wish me to be. It is better that way. You know people’s needs far better than I do.

But Lord, more than anything, may I be yours. May I be a willing bondservant of You, the Lord Jesus Christ.

It will be good to come back to this tomorrow and hopefully structure it up a bit for a blog entry. May it be a testimony to You, dear Lord.

I’ve had this thought as well, and that is what You are doing in our lives currently generally is a preparation for what is to come. Lord, You will be working greatly! There is a reason for this season. Each season in itself is so purposeful, and it is amazing how it is also a foundation for what is to come.

Faithful, sovereign Lord, I love You so.

Brim

Brim about the rim.
Runneth over
Drip. Drip.
Parched thirst
Satisfying, linger
about this marsh of
reeds and water.
Somber, yet
Joy. Full, overwhelming
present thoughts future
dreams of today
tomorrow will bring
reflection. Reflection
in stillness. Silence
erases the lines of fracture--
disjointed thoughts hushed
in a whisper. Hope springs
eternal light shines
forth the way I…no, not just
I, but you with Him we
venture in need. Today
of each other forever
of a Savior. This, yes, this,
we sing. Overflow this
heart, this mind, yes,
everything…if it leave me
such
in greater need
of what
and Who
I alone
can never be.

Glory on Earth and Between Man

I’ve wanted to write this blog for a while now. I’ve been waiting for a time in which the words for it would come together more cohesively, but I may perhaps be stifling the message of what needs to be written. So, I simply come tonight, allowing the Lord to let the words flow as He would have them to.

I’m a little more than halfway through my engagement with John. I can’t even begin to describe how full this season has been and the lessons that have come in it. It has been pushing me into depths I have never experienced of myself, of John, and my relationship with the Lord.

Earlier this week, I read these lyrics I wrote almost exactly a year ago, and was amazed by the meaning within them in the current time.

You say I’m your daughter You call me to be Yours
To fill me with laughter and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You twirl me around
curls from around my face bounce
and with the other You bring me back
into Your arms

Daddy’s little girl
Still remember it just like yesterday
Daddy’s little girl
Used to hang on to every word he would say
Daddy’s little girl
He was the only man in my eyes Daddy’s little girl
And He always says I’m His

Why does it seem now I’m walking away
Walking on, learning to walk alone
Yeah, sure I’m learning to stand on my own
Face the world with the confidence I have shown
Yet why does it seem to difficult to learn?
Maybe it’s because the best dads know
that it’s better to let her go
and let her find within her love to return

You speak Your word over me
Your wisdom always pours forth
to guide me out with truth
and the knowledge I can learn
With one hand You squeeze me tighter
like it’s the last hug for a while
and with the other You finally let go
and send me out

Daddy’s little girl
It now seems like so long ago
Daddy’s little girl
Sometimes He’s now harder to know
Daddy’s little girl
Wish He could be the only man in my eyes still
Daddy’s little girl
Because I’m always going to be his

Sometimes I wish I could return to the innocent bliss
Carefree, just a life of simplicity
Yeah, I know I’ve always wanted to grow
To go and make my own way
Yet why do I now want to return?
Maybe it’s because of the love
The kind that made her grow
And now has set her out on her own

As I wrote this, I was reflecting a lot on how the men in my life and God in my life influence my perception greatly, and how God uses them. I was thinking about the simplicity and beauty of being Daddy’s little girl, and how I was grieving the loss of that at the time. But this resonated true: “With one hand You squeeze me tighter, and with the other You finally let go, and send me out.”

You say I’m your lover
You beckon me to be Yours
to fill me with passion
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You take me in
My breathing slows
and with the other You bring me closer
into Your arms

I remember writing this last stanza and knowing it was to be an eventual reality but unsure of what it really meant at the time. Yet now, a year later, I understand so much more now…it is a reality true of my relationships both with the Lord and John…

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, F54 but have not love, I gain nothing…Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

If I have not love for the Lord but have all these other things, than I am nothing. Love never ends; it stands for all eternity. That is what holds us captive to Him. As idols will fall away, so will knowledge, so will prophecy, so will tongues. Now we know in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away…now we see in a mirror dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known by Him.

Now as I know the Lord’s love in part through John, when the Lord returns or heaven comes, I will know His love fully. Now as I see a picture of who God is through John, one day I will see Him face to face. Now as I know in part, one day I shall know fully, as I have been fully known by Him throughout my entire life.

Oh, how much He is using this aspect of bringing John and I together as one not only as a blessing, but moreso, that we would know our God more…it is an overflow.

That is altogether breathtaking…

I am left with the thought of if what I am experiencing with John right now is an illusion of what is to come in Heaven, then the meaning of that is beyond all my human comprehension. It is like trying to create a word that means fuller than full; greater than infinite. It is beyond human description, and all I can do is just allude to it, drawing from the truth I know, like the apostle John does in Revelation 7:

“And after this, I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number…standing before the throne and before the lamb, from all tribes and all peoples and all languages, crying out with a loud voice...and all the angels and elders fell on their faces before the throne and worshipped God, saying ‘Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power might be to our God forever and ever! Amen….Therefore they are before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will shelter them with his presence. They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes” (vs 9-12, 15-17).

[silence…]

How do we even begin to respond? At such a glory, power, wisdom that God possesses and we do not…at what He pours forth and provides…

May we too fall on our faces before the throne and live to worship Him alone.

We lay our Crowns

We fall down
We lay our crowns
At the feet of Jesus

The greatness of
Your Mercy and love
At the feet of Jesus

And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy


Is the lamb.

© Chris Tomlin

That Merciful Would Be Your Name

This is based upon reflection of both myself and how I have been living lately and reflections upon the Haitian earthquake tragedy.

I see it through the hands
building a sandcastle
with the grains of sand
Hours upon hours spent
constructing on sturdy land
The sun slides down into bed
with it brings the high tide
in just a moment
a day’s work has washed by

We cry for mercy
left in the rubble’s wake
of what we build and trust to stand
comes down with a wave’s face
And we cry for mercy
seeing now what we pursue
empty and unfulfilled, barren
turning to face our need for You
And we cry for mercy
for Your hands to come and fill
Pure, steady, and able to sustain
In the midst of our pursuit of vain
And we cry to You
that Merciful would be Your name

I see it through the pictures
the clips on a film reel
Once was built of man
deemed strong and sturdy
now has come to fail
The whole broken to pieces
people left in the rubble’s wake
crying out for mercy
and wondering why You chose to shake

And we cry for mercy
left in the rubble’s wake
of what we build and trust to stand
comes down with a minute’s shake
And we cry for mercy
seeing now what we are without
broken and battered, hurting
turning to face our deepest doubts
And we cry for mercy
only to You, all who remains
Strong, steady, and without change
In the midst of our deepest pain
And we cry to You
that Merciful would be Your name.

Lost and Found

There’s a grief in the change
in the loss of the familiar
the steadiness and sureness of circumstance
in which I could comfortably reside.
The words that have been said
these last few years-prophecy true now.
Apparently I stand a woman, supposedly
strong and steady, ready
to face the world and all it brings.
It’s all changing. Reality shifting…
so much remaining unknown.
I’m no longer just myself—no,
for now I am fusing to another
within whom so much is found.
Yes. This is good. This is how
things ought to be—stretching,
challenging
yet full of blessing. There is
excitement in the prospect
or rather, the promise, of adventure
in seeking, following hard after
the Lord and His beauty.

Love, I look into your eyes
what I find reflects all.
There is comfort, security
hope and promise, uncertainty
for what I do not yet know.
There ultimately is the look of
unconditional love--
the presence of the Lord himself.

And now I walk into much unknown, held
by promises I know to be true.
Each day, dying a bit more, losing
more of myself…only to be found
within you and You...instead of one,
now I find myself within two. Smile, yes,
and I rejoice at what is to come. The Lord
is good and His love endures, certainly
with you this truth resounds. Yet,
in this moment, I grieve a little for what has been

lost

awaiting the promise for all that is to be found.