Friend Forever

In my first entry in a long while involving written thoughts and words not in a poem form, I realize why I have gravitated towards writing poems over the last couple of months. It is largely because there is such an infinite amount to write about, it seems. A poem, with carefully selected words and structure, can convey so many different things all in one. Writing like this, however, requires more clarity of thought and communication for me to effectively communicate to the reader.

When you’ve been in a time where the words, thoughts, lessons, tasks, and emotions just come and ebb at a frenzied pace, it is difficult to sort through what to focus on for the present, let alone write about it so that others may understand as well. I can’t even begin to state how many things have crossed my mind and heart over the past couple of months that I wanted to write more on, but the time was not given. I pray that time is returning a bit now with summer being here, God willing.

This last week condensed so many experiences, lessons, thoughts, emotions, and tasks all into such a short time. Looking back on the week, I find myself amazed at how one week seemed to perfectly show so much of what my life consists of lately. I’m still in the middle of processing and praying through that, and hope to blog on it soon.

In the meantime though, I wanted to share something on my heart.

Tonight I was driving home with my mom from a wedding in Estes Park. It was the sixth consecutive day of driving over 3 hours. I left that wedding tonight completely over simulated and overwhelmed due to the amount of things that has happened over this week, and the things that remain to do and be seen. I was overwhelmed, yet again, with the need and desire for Jesus. I looked forward to finally getting home again so I could have some down time. Yet, on that drive, I remembered I have the blessing of Him in the present, and I needed not wait…

Once again, His arms were open wide awaiting me to come and rest. It needed not matter the situation or where I was; driving home on I-25 was as good a place as any. There, He calmed me, quieted me, restored my soul…and I found this song running through my heart.

“What a friend I've found…Closer than a brother…I have felt your touch…More intimate than lovers…”

In the time of quiet I remembered the blessing of His presence that never escapes me, never leaves me, is always faithful. I remembered this last week and how, in every circumstance He was there, teaching me, refining me, loving me, carrying me. He was by my side as I slept alone in a casino in Nevada for the night. He was giving me strength to enjoy the creation of His hand in Utah during the midst of stomach trouble. He guarded my heart while allowing it to grow in love and submission for and to John. He was walking alongside me as I walked down a freeway ramp to go to the bathroom, and moreso, calm down and gain perspective while awaiting AAA to come tow my car that broke down on the highway and finally died. He gave me patience in spending time with a family member that is not always easy to spend time with. He loosened my hands to help me to surrender to not being in control, but simply go with the flow and let Him provide. And oh, His provisions…I can’t even list them as they are too numerous…I feel incredibly humbled by how He looks out for His children. He provided time for me to serve and bless a few. He was opening my heart to be vulnerable to hear His voice speaking, or to simply come and rest in His arms.

At the end of this week, I stand in recognition of the fact that God works with those who desire to be worked with. There are so many new things and situations in my life now that leave me overwhelmed, but deep down, I know without a doubt that God has placed me in these situations because He knows I can trust Him with it all, and He surely is enough for it.

And “what a friend I've found…Closer than a brother…I have felt your touch…More intimate than lovers…”

Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, friend forever.

Afflicted City

One of these days I'll write something that is not a song or poem, but for now, that's what God's granting to me. He comforted me greatly tonight with Isaiah 54, showing me his love for Jerusalem and how He desired to restore and comfort and bring beauty. In my own "affliction" and difficulty, it is a great comfort to be reminded of his purpose and his unfailing love and covenant of peace. It will never be removed.



Oh afflicted city, once again I find you wandering
far from the love you once knew
if you were to stop and look inside
You would find you know you still do
Love me more than yourself and your drowning pride
as you fall to your master and know the sin must die
Yet in your wandering, to my own heart I must be true

I will build you with stones of turquoise
that will match the glimmer I’ve created in your eyes
I will make your foundations of sapphires
to match the range of passions I’ve given you inside
Your battlements will be made of rubies
to remember the blood I shed so you may not die
Your gates will be made of precious jewels
to venture into your worth it’s Me you’ll find
And all your walls made of precious stones
within you can run but from me never hide
You are my labor of my compassionate love
Remember it’s me that brings you light

Oh afflicted city, you’re lashed by storms once again
in the midst of torrential rain
that you pray will one day end
you will find my promise spoken for you
Love me more than yourself and your selfish fiend
as you fall to your master and let me be your friend
Yet in your storms, to my own heart I must be true

I will build you with stones of turquoise
that will match the glimmer I’ve created in your eyes
I will make your foundations of sapphires
to match the range of passions I’ve given you inside
Your battlements will be made of rubies
to remember the blood I shed so you may not die
Your gates will be made of precious jewels
to venture into your worth it’s Me you’ll find
And all your walls made of precious stones
within you can run but from me never hide
You are my labor of my compassionate love
Remember it’s me that brings you light

Oh afflicted city, comfort you do not easily find
far from the hope you know to be true
Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed
Love me more than yourself and your hopeless rest
as you fall to your master who surely knows best
It’s for your comfort, to my own heart I must be true

I will build you with stones of turquoise
that will match the glimmer I’ve created in your eyes
I will make your foundations of sapphires
to match the range of passions I’ve given you inside
Your battlements will be made of rubies
to remember the blood I shed so you may not die
Your gates will be made of precious jewels
to venture into your worth it’s Me you’ll find
And all your walls made of precious stones
within you can run but from me never hide
You are my labor of my compassionate love
Remember it’s me that brings you light

My love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed.
You must know that it’s for you
that to my own heart I must be true.

In the Night

Can’t you see the morning in the night
Stillfull, soulful silence in the lack of light
Where has the time gone
when we used to sleep and dream?
Childlike innocent bliss has escaped me
Yet I'm carried, cradled, held upright
The look of love is in Your eyes
And sometimes it’s easier to see in the night…

Won’t you walk the line and stand up tall
Without looking down and doubting it all
You don’t see it now
but you’re closer than you were
A mirror reflects the lessons you’ve learned
You're growing, going, lasting in the fight
The look of pride is in His eyes
And sometimes it’s easier to see in the night…

Will you count to three and open your eyes
Ready to see, believe and recognize
Who you are and once were
and one day will become
Fly and cry in the memories alight
The look of all you need is in His eyes
And sometimes it’s easier to see in the night…

Temporal Burdens

A reflection on a difficult week where I've been exhausted from the burdens of this world and desperately desiring refuge...

Evasive world this is
slithering and slipping out of my sight
yet it maintains its grasp
The whole world’s on my shoulders
and it’s tied upon my back
I can’t see it now
For all I can see is what I lack

Like a hole created
absence that makes the heart fonder
Emptiness that finds me, finds me now

Put two bricks in my pockets
add another on my head
sooner than later
My feet will be bound by chains
and I’ll try to walk away
I can’t see it now
For all I can see is where I lay

Like a jailbreak needed
Strength that releases these bounds
Freedom that finds me, finds me now

More power in my hands
Satan busy trying to make me lose my way
make me look inside
Hoping I would forget what I always realize
That You are who You say
I can’t see it now
For all I can see is why I pray

Like a child found
Love that wraps me still, wraps around
won’t You carry me home, me home now?

You Are.

I am swirling about, tossed around
spit up upon this ground
You are.
I am crying out, looking around
desperate to be found
You are.
I am questioning, always seeking
analyzing every meaning
You are.
I am restless, selfish
clenched up in a fit
You are.
I am aching, constantly breaking
striving to be making
You are.
I am asking, lacking
Always reacting
You are.
I am nothing, never be
No good has ever come of me
You are.
I am sin, naught within
arrived at an end
You are.
I am bought at a price, far too high
One never could I buy
You are.
I am ransomed, redeemed
once again free to dream
You are.

I am always looking for an answer
One in everything
You are.
I am always wondering what could be
One in everything
You are.
I am always clinging, overreaching for
One in everything
You are.
I am constantly changing, always in need of
One in everything
You are.
I am always looking for an answer
One for everything

It comes simply.
You are.

Personal Typhoons

This is from my journal entry tonight. I include it here because I believe it important for people who know me to know this-it will make more sense at the end of reading this. Please see this as an asking of you to help me with this if you can. It would be greatly appreciated.

Tonight I am reminded of the blessing and need for people in my life. Recent events that have brought that to light have been my date with John last night, church today, our Crusade BBQ, and ice cream with Colin tonight. Each of those times were incredibly full and blessed.

Yet while remaining thankful for these people and this time, I find myself sitting here tonight lonely. I’m only a couple of hours removed from being with people, but it feels much longer. I find the fullness I had while being with these people has been replaced with a yearning. A yearning for companionship, and a desire to not feel alone.

Being self-sufficient in the ways I am by nature is certainly easier. It allows me to derive all I need from You and myself, dear Lord. You know I can easily immerse myself in my own world, whether it be the things I do, what I create, and what I dream. It’s almost this aspect of creating my own world that appears and functions the way I want it to. The problem with that though, is that it’s just a temporary though often long-standing illusion. Self-sufficiency only supplies for a time.

My instinct would be to say that being self-sufficient renders less heartache. It has felt that way with me. However, what I believe creates that is my walling myself up in my own world so that I am left generally unaffected. It leaves me steady because it protects myself from the elements.

Yet, I think I’ve come to believe that even the strongest walls are not meant to always stand. Somehow, through one force or another, they are overcome. With me, I’d probably say it is a typhoon that does it. A typhoon builds up over time with the forces around it to eventually unleash a powerful force. And when it finally starts, it does. It usually lasts a few days until it exhausts all of the energy and force it had built up and no longer has any reserves to keep going. It then dissipates. My life, particularly the emotional side, can often resemble a typhoon. They don’t come many in number and often come in certain seasons and times, but when they come, they make quite a presence. In the majority of the rest of the time in between, things are calm.

These typhoons of mine overcome my walls. They immerse the interior of it with every ounce of it-leaving me drenched, saturated, unable to run or hide. Instead, I am stuck in the middle of it trying to cope and escape but hopeless in doing so. I usually just have to wait out the storm and not let it “destroy” me. And when the storm is over-I’m exhausted. It’s like there’s this period of drying out, warming up, and recovering in which I’m just numb to everything emotional. When that’s over, then I can function again. I think that should be the last storm, that surely I’ve made it through this one and there need be no more.

I then try to live my life outside the walls. I remember how being in the inside of those walls in the storm left me trapped. So, I try to allow myself to be exposed, functioning in community and connecting myself with others. Praise be to You that You help me do it. I know sometimes I retreat back to my walls of self-sufficiency because I’m either tired of being outside or I simply want to be comfortable. But Lord, I’m trying to live outside those walls. To know what it is to be truly vulnerable and live life with others and not just on occasions. There is progress made; You encourage me with showing me that.

But the storm I thought was the last wasn’t. Another comes. The typhoon builds up its strength and makes its way again. Now I am trying not to run back to my shelter of walls but rather leave myself exposed so I don’t become trapped. That somehow, in being outside with others, they will know and recognize that I am in the middle of a storm rather than being in a solitary force unable to cry or articulate a need for help. And also, that they would know that things just aren’t easy going for me all the time. That they would know that I am subject to the building up of many different isolated forces, all combining to produce huge storms of passion and emotion that render me helpless. That even if I am not able to cry out for help, that they would see and come. That’s where being exposed is necessary.

Lord, I know I must be realistic and realize these patterns of storms may not cease altogether with one, as this has been so much the norm for me for so long. But I know I need to seek You and allow You to teach me how to let those storms subside in both number and strength until they are one day eliminated outright. You have been good in revealing what this is in my life and what it does.

I was reading about typhoons and there is this section that talks about how during the 1960’s and 70’s the United States Government sought to artificially dissipate typhoons by a variety of methods. The most tangible one was by towing icebergs into the tropical oceans to cool the water, thus inhibiting its development. Though the theory was correct, it was not an effective solution because the storms were far too large for it to have an effect.

I feel like the United States Government then, now. I feel like I’m learning about these storms and how they function and what they do. I feel like a boat towing an iceberg to the center to hopefully nip the storm in the bud, or at least lessen its effects. It just doesn’t quite work.

But I know the solution does not lie in what I can do or figure out, ultimately. Those things may help or perhaps point me in the right direction, but the storms are so large that they need a larger God to control and sway them. I know You are that God, my Lord. You know how I often feel spit up and tossed out by the typhoon that I’m left exhausted and numb to everything, even anything in trying to deal with these storms before the next one comes. You know the little energy I can have left. But Lord, I come to You now offering all I can with this and asking You to take the rest. I ask You that You allow the storms to subside and one day cease. I ask that I can learn to function on a normal human level with passions and emotions consistently-one that ebbs like an ocean, not a storm system derived from it.

Because where I am tonight is on the end tails of one of these storms. I’m in the midst of severe emotion and passion while dealing with its counterpart-numb to everything as a result of exhaustion. I’m feeling this yearning for companionship-one severe, and part of me wants to go back to the walls of self-sufficiency to be exempt from it. Yet, praise be to You, I am growing somewhat tired of those walls and becoming more ready to stand outside of it. I need not be so strong all the time, deriving from the strength that comes from residing in the walls I’ve built protecting myself from being affected. That only leaves me isolated. Being outside those walls is vulnerable and exposed, and I pray that with it doesn’t come a storm of its own due to the ills of my passion and emotion. But Lord, moreso I pray that it becomes a place where I can stay. That it becomes a place where I can heal from this last storm, and simply be where I am rather than having to cry out for help. And when the next storm comes, I’ll already be where I need to be-in the midst of companionship that will see the storm I am in and come to me.

Breaking of Steadfastness

I don’t understand why people have such a high view of me. Kirsten today told me how Professor Harlan (a teacher from 2 quarters ago that she now has) told her I was such a sweetheart. I've gotten a lot of various encouragement from people I hold dear as of late. I get this stuff over and over again from many different people. I don’t know. It’s not that I have a poor view of myself and that I don’t have any self-esteem, but it’s just not that. I don’t understand why people think so much of me.

It ties into the fact that John and I were talking about this weekend. I try too hard. When I was talking to Kyle last night, I realized a root source of that was being a Christian in a non-Christian family for several years, even a bit to this day. When I came to know the Lord, I had to seek Him out fully. I had to seek out fellowship, had to read the Word, had to develop all of these things largely on my own. I didn’t have my parents telling or encouraging me to do anything. It was upon my shoulders. In addition to that, my hearing loss has always been a source of me working harder. That’s a long story in itself left for later.

...

I want to lay again in a field of poppies, drinking in Your abundance and presence. I want to relive that drive-how it cleared my mind and took me to another place. Relaxed. Uninhibited to You.

Lord, I don’t know how to let that be my life in this time-that the variety the poppies and wildflowers brought also consists in my everyday-if I open my eyes to it. Life is surely a journey with many twists and turns, even the everyday.

Lord, there has been such a resolve in me to remain steadfast, and You are breaking it. You are teaching me what it means to ebb in the gentle waves of this life You have before me.

But it seems all I’ve known is what it is to be steadfast. So strong in resolve of knowing You, trusting You, seeking after You. And that steadfastness is a character in my everyday life as well-people know me as that. In many ways, it could be the foundation of which they base their other opinions of me on. Somehow, I’m a “sweetheart,” and being known as that largely comes from a steadfast character displayed by me as being a “sweetheart.” It doesn't come from me being a sweetheart some of the time and a jerk the others.

The interesting thing with this that I see now is that my own steadfastness has become a comfort. It has meant that I’m generally not subject to the changes of life, particularly the everyday, to affect me much. I think a reason why I am such a hard worker has been because the character trait of steadfastness has allowed for that-I generally don’t have the same day-to-day “life” distractions that most people feel. I am able to focus and get a tremendous amount of things done.

It seems like that is to start breaking now. That I need to learn to be a sailboat floating in the waves, bobbing up and down with it, rather than a powerboat cutting right through it unaffectedly. To recognize that there are times of change much more than just from season to season.

To somehow, become more human, whatever that means.

So often, I don’t truly recognize my weakness before You. And because of that, it limits Your divine intervention in my life as I don’t leave room for it. If I don’t allow there to be a need, then how can I accept Your provision for that need?

John says I try harder than anyone he knows. I never would’ve assumed that myself. Yet, that’s a strong statement, especially coming from him.

Why do I try so hard? And how do I stop trying so hard, when it’s so ingrained in me that I don’t even know what that means? Because, if you were to ask me, my first response would be that I’m not trying hard enough.

I want more of Your Holiness in my life. I want more of my character to display the heart You have given me. I want less of myself in the things I do and who I serve. I want less of me and more of You.

I see these things within me that need to be changed in order to reach these dreams.

But I cannot do it alone.

And though I want to, I can’t do it by trying, or even by remaining steadfast.

It seems like instead, I need to ride the waves in a sailboat, letting God steer the path. I need to feel every up and down and actually be a part of it. I need to let God show me and do those very things I desire on the course. As much as I tend to envision it to be, those things I desire are not an eventual destination. It is something that happens in the day-after-day, the continued reliance and trust upon Him.

Not by works, not by striving.

But by surrender.

By the breaking of steadfastness.

"You Make Everything Glorious"

It's been a stretching week in so many ways. I've continually had to come back to the truths I know as Satan has been throwing in every lie and scheme he can to distort what is good and pure in the refining process. I am reminded greatly this week that I am not saved by works or by any striving for perfection. My efforts are best spent accepting my humble state and allowing God to do what He will in it.

An excerpt from my journal entry this morning...

But Lord, I best bow down, accept my humble state, and allow You to do what You will with it. It is not by works that I am saved. It is not by striving for perfection that I am saved. It is by recognizing my need of You and remaining perpetually broken before You. Only in the brokenness can You truly make what You wish of me. May I be humble enough to remain there, but also confident enough in You to do what is best in Your sight, not in mine. May I direct my eyes to You, hold open my hands out before, and not look to anything else. It is in great weakness that I see great need. It is in great weakness that Your strength may be manifested and remain. May I find no pride in myself but only in Your glory shown through me. May You do as You wish.

Lord, this life is not an easy one as I am often reminded. But it is glorious. Beauty often comes from trials and pain. We often cannot truly understand what something is unless we have experienced the opposite. But may we recognize things and situations for what they are and what they can bring-often a truer light and greater picture than we have previously attained.

“My eyes are small, but they have seen
The beauty of enormous things
which leads me to believe
there’s light enough to see that

You make everything glorious,
You make everything glorious,
You make everything glorious,
And I am Yours.”
-David Crowder Band

Ropes

image from http://phrecklenosephotography.blogspot.com/2008/04/preview-gym.html

An excerpt from my blog tonight...

Lord, how much and how much more do You push my faith to grow? It’s like climbing a rope to heaven…with every pull of myself up the rope I get closer and I get another taste…I could stop there, but the rope keeps going. With every pull I can get closer than before but it requires more of me. It is much harder than at the beginning. I’m so much farther from the ground than I was when I started. I’m closer to heaven now. I look up and logically, it makes sense to keep going, but emotionally, physically, and spiritually, it makes me wonder how I can keep going on. It’s there that this reserve has to be found…this reserve and strength that only comes from crying out to You, that You would pull my hands one after the other, keeping my grip steady that I would not fall back to where I was at the beginning and have to start all over again.

The end of that rope…is there one? I feel like in the past I would’ve said so, that there are many different ropes we climb in our faith and walk with You, but now, I’m not so sure. It seems like it’s a long, endless one instead, and there are knots that mark our progress of sorts, concrete things that we can stand and rest upon every now and then. But we are not to go back down. We are to continue going.

I remember climbing those ropes in gym in elementary school and particularly in gymnastics. I remember how I used to just climb with my arms or just with my legs providing the strength and how I never got to the top that way. It was only when I realized that every aspect of my body had to be employed in order to get to the top, and it had to have a rhythm to it-hand over hand, followed by the feet, hand over hand, followed by the feet…I vaguely remember the first time I got to the top and it left me in a state of awe in thinking, ‘wow it is easier this way.’ I loved climbing the ropes after that.

I wonder if in my faith I’m trying to use one thing too much. Am I not in the natural rhythm I should be in to climb the rope in the way I should? I don’t see how I can go back now…how I can go back to the bottom of the rope only to climb again. But here, my arms are burning a bit, and there’s a need to look in that reserve and have You pull my hands one after the other, bringing me into His pattern of how I am to best move. I know I must keep climbing, and I must trust You to show me how, even to the extent of letting You do it all.

Count the Cost

This comes from things I've been hearing from other people as to what they are learning and going through, things I see people doing, and things I've seen in my own life. I was sitting listening to worship tonight and this question was on my heart...

Poignant

I don't have many words tonight to verbalize though there does seem a lot swirling around inside. God is faithful. Lately I've been getting and remembering lots of visual things-pictures, dreams, visions, etc, and it seems to be the best outlet right now. Here's a picture I came across tonight that I took a couple of weeks ago. I believe this picture shows many profound metaphors in itself. It is beautiful...hopefully it will be encouraging to others as well.

Open Wounds

My last blog wrote about how in my life the lack of answer wounds. Well, I'm now in this time where God has been opening my eyes to those specific wounds. Some have been closed over for a while, providing temporary relief, and it's now that God's opening them up fully in order that He may heal them properly.

Be praying for me over the next couple of days. I'm going to need it.

You know sometimes I wish
You would take the cover off my eyes
It’s been fun for a while, this follow the leader
But now it seems like we should finally be here
Be where we were always meaning to go
You know sometimes I wish
You would take Your hand off my eyes
I want to see beyond the world masked with dark
To see the destination as it is in the light
See what I was always dreaming to see

I’m trying to walk in the dark
and trust You by my side
The hazardous path makes wounds I continue to bear
But now I’m tired, weary of the consistent pain
That You told me would not be suffered in vain
I’m trying to walk in the dark
and trust You by my side
This path has been winding a long time
Seems it’s the long way we’re going
Just wanna get to where I’m supposed to be

But You open up these wounds
And make me see the light
These sources of pain that I bear
Are to be cleansed outright
But now it stings a while
and I must trust You
in this time You hold me tight

I’m trying to feel the comfort
of Your hand over my eyes
Knowing You know what I can see now
And from what I still need to hide
In Your presence tightly wrapped in Your arms
I’m trying to feel the comfort
of Your hand always in my life
Bringing to light what needs change
To one day possess a brighter light
Yet for now, it still does sting a while

The Lack of Answer

I finally sat down tonight and did something I’ve needed to do for a long while. I went through old journal entries in certain time frames God brought up: 2.5 years ago, 2 years ago, and 1.5 years ago. I’ve been avoiding reminiscing and reflecting for some time…it’s as if I was scared of the pain that may arise from doing so. In reading tonight, there was some pain brought up but greater so, a great floodlight of God’s love on these things showing me He has either redeemed or is redeeming.

So much has happened…and it’s going to take some good time to truly sit down and allow God to continue to bring His light into these areas I haven’t seen for a while. But tonight a lot of pieces came together in one fundamental aspect of my character that I haven’t been able to pinpoint. It has affected me more than I ever knew. In my life…

The lack of answer wounds.

There’s three main, big areas in my life where I see this largely in play. I don’t feel the necessity to state them outright, but there is a pattern that has happened in each one.
-I catch the vision/promise/faith/love and it becomes a fervent passion and pursuit in my life.
-There were these long periods of waiting in which I wasn’t seeing the results of the vision/promise/faith/love.
-It brings up many questions, insecurities, doubts, as I seek and await an answer or manifestation.
-The longer I am waiting, the harder it gets to retain the vision/promise/faith/love I had in the first place, what got me started on that journey
-The lack of answer wounds.

I’m amazed at what a fundamental aspect of my character this is and how it applies to so many things in my life. It’s like I seek out answers to avoid being hurt. It’s why I want to know things. It’s why I want to be reassured and reaffirmed, as if the knowledge and answer will make everything all right. When I don’t have any of those things, I feel like something is wrong.

These wounds have run deep…I was reminded of that today. It is good for me to recognize that they are there. But it was also a reminder and given insight in how God has redeemed a lot of these wounds along the way and continues to in a greater degree now.

It’s ironic that I have this time of waiting, this time of a lack of answer, in order to learn how not to let the lack of answer wound me. It’s God being very thorough in the redemptive process.

In my head, I’ve come to understand that there are often times of waiting and silence, and it does not necessarily mean things are wrong. It does not have to be fought against and be consisting of a clinging act of searching for an answer.

My heart is getting to the point of understanding that. It’s not quite there yet. There are some wounds that are still being healed and learning to trust God fully with. Remembering that He holds me, knows me, loves me.

I honestly have a really hard time retaining the same amount of vision/promise/faith/love when there is a lack of manifestation and answer.

An answer is not given to me in how that can be changed, except with the reminder that I received tonight.

God does it. Only Him. And I probably will not see it along the way, but it will be there. He is always, always faithful. I have to recall the times of old and remember His faithfulness to remember He is worthy of my trust in the present and future. I need Him to restore my hope and delight in the waiting, remain steadfast in the present, and rejoice in the answers given in the future.

“Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal. He will deliver you from six troubles; in seven no evil shall touch you. In famine he will redeem you from death, and in war from the power of the sword. You shall be hidden from the lash of the tongue, and shall not fear destruction when it comes. At destruction and famine you shall laugh, and shall not fear the beasts of the earth. For you shall be in league with the stones of the field, and the beasts of the field shall be at peace with you. You shall know that your tent is at peace, and you shall inspect your fold and miss nothing. You shall know also that your offspring shall be many, and your descendants as the grass of the earth. You shall come to your grave in ripe old age, like a sheaf gathered up in its season. Behold, this we have searched out; it is true. Hear, and know it for your good." Job 5:17-27

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine

John 17:10, Luke 22:39-47
In reading these passages today along with others, I was so struck by John 17:10, in which Jesus is praying and states "all I have is Yours and all You have is mine." It's a meditation of sorts for me for a while, but I wanted to spend some time in the first part of that verse. It also brought the picture of the mentioned passage in Luke to mind as well. Lately I seem to be gaining more from writing in a more abstract manner and allowing God to speak to me through that manner; hence, the poems and lyrics.

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
The act of always giving but also to receive
Wonder what true love could really bring
Outright deny the cries deep inside
Of the flesh that wishes to fight
And not walk on, numb to it all

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
The act of both laying down a life
I’ve fallen asleep under the tree
The one I love has been crying out for me
A cold hardened heart that has yet to see
As I walk on, numb to it all

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
An act of redemption giving sacrifice
Yes, there’s a love that fights
One that cries deep inside
Wishing to break free of the flesh that restrains
And run the risk of a broken heart

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
An act of giving up control and letting go
Wondering how to learn nothing is mine
Yet I find there’s a freedom in loving
Of living a life of sacrifice
I’ll run the risk of a broken heart

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
What a precious reward for giving up a life

Chord

I don't even know how to classify this. These are words that came together when I was sitting in quiet letting God reveal my heart to me. I've been all over the place, to be honest. Yet, it is interesting to find in these words how what I have experienced in the capacity of daughter, child, lover, adult, etc. in both my relationship with God and the men in my life influence me greatly. These words cannot be interpreted to just one meaning or one type of relationship. It's a chord of sorts that comes together to reveal a whole bunch of notes that make a distinct sound. It's not as clean as just one note. Yet; hopefully the chord is playing correctly to reveal the intent of the artist, and in time the other notes and chords will come. For now, I'm learning one chord at a time. Here is one.

You say I’m your daughter
You call me to be Yours
To fill me with laughter
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You twirl me around
curls from around my face bounce
and with the other You bring me back
into Your arms

Daddy’s little girl
Still remember it just like yesterday
Daddy’s little girl
Used to hang on to every word he would say
Daddy’s little girl
He was the only man in my eyes
Daddy’s little girl
And He always says I’m His

Why does it seem now I’m walking away
Walking on, learning to walk alone
Yeah, sure I’m learning to stand on my own
Face the world with the confidence you have shown
Yet why does it seem to difficult to learn?
Maybe it’s because the best dads know
that it’s better to let her go
and let her find within her love to return

You speak Your word over me
Your wisdom always pours forth
to guide me out with truth
and the knowledge I can learn
With one hand You squeeze me tighter
like it’s the last hug for a while
and with the other You finally let go
and send me out

Daddy’s little girl
It now seems like so long ago
Daddy’s little girl
Sometimes He’s now harder to know
Daddy’s little girl
Wish He could be the only man in my eyes still
Daddy’s little girl
Because I’m always going to be his

Sometimes I wish I could return to the innocent bliss
Carefree, just a life of simplicity
Yeah, I know I’ve always wanted to grow
To go and make my own way
Yet why do I now want to return?
Maybe it’s because of the love
The kind that made her grow
And now has set her out on her own

You say I’m your lover
You beckon me to be Yours
to fill me with passion
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You take me in
My breathing slows
and with the other You bring me closer
into Your arms

Tufts of Life

I went for a drive in Perfumo Canyon today. In some ways, it was a means of escape from the seemingly insurmountable work I have to do, but in a lot of ways, it provided reminder and refreshment.

I was so invigorated on that road. It is just an entirely different world in the canyon and at the top of the ridges. It was clear, sunny, and warm. Beautiful as usual. But as I had the windows of my car down as I traveled along the road, the smell was incredible. It was this fresh green, clean, pure smell that only new life can bring. The visual sight of the new green grass sprouting forth confirmed such a scent. It was wonderful...

There are times when the road I am on seems long and makes me weary. Sometimes it's so hard to see the end or at least relief in sight. On the drive I stopped in a canyon with a canopy of trees, and there were dead leaves all over the sides of the road. As I bent down, I saw these beautiful green tufts of grass poking through the dead leaves, and they stood stronger, higher, than the death surrounding. It was subtle, but there.

Talking with some people close to me today reminded me that there is growth abounding in me, even when I do not readily see it. I am learning. I am growing. I am traveling on this road though I am not at the end of it. I look forward to the spring in which it will be in full bloom and I can rest in some way.

In the meantime, though, I am thankful for the hope God has renewed in me, that there are tufts of grass along the way, small, but in time, it will become a vast meadow. Both literally and figuratively, that's a good thing to wait for.

But it does take time. And that's where I must rest and be patient.

Always Running

Always running into what I try to make known
Somehow thinking my legs will get me there faster
And somehow believing my mind will make it come to be
But as I run into an unknown future
I look behind to see the tracks I’ve made
Yet somehow they have disappeared
And I find myself in a world I’ve created
That has distanced me from the one that exists
Because as tangible as I’d like it to be
It’s as fickle as the vanishing mist

My dreams seem to lift me to the heights
The words within me seem to create a beautiful state of being
My mind constantly paints the pictures
Of what I can envision and would like my future to be
It’s like twirling around in a fairy tale
Even with the evil the good always prevails
And the happily ever after is always there
The bliss seems incomparable
And so still I create the scenarios
Of what could best assimilate
The reality of a fairy tale state

But I always find myself waiting
Waiting to see which of the scenarios I’ve created might come to be
And I’m always waiting
Waiting for the next best thing that’s supposed to come
I’ve subjected myself to believing
that life is as predictable as the fictitious stories I’ve always heard
And I’m always believing
That there’s always something better yet to be

It’s like a line drawn in the sand
Reality on one side and dreams on the other hand
And as long as I straddle the line I will never be fully where I should
As much as my dreams pull me to its side
As long as I breathe breath of air in this life
Reality will have its hold on me
And that’s really where I should fully be
But it’s so hard to let go and let reality carry me
Maybe even surprise me
That it could be better than the pictures and dreams I create

I’m always running
Always running into what I try to make known
Somehow thinking my legs will get me there faster
And somehow believing my mind will make it come to be
Bound to be surprised when the fickle mist lifts its veil
Finding myself face to face with reality
But I’m always running
Always running ahead of where I need to be

Passions and Desires

It seems like I have been confronted a lot lately with passions and desires. In so many ways, they are these big concepts and ideas that I cannot fully pin down, grasp, or understand. But there is one aspect with it that I’ve been realizing as of late.

Passions and desires are incredibly inconvenient. They don’t fit in neatly in life at all. It seems the world requires so many ordinary and mundane things of us that we allow ourselves to be subjected to. The world's obligations seem to max out our obligations but leave us wholly unsatisfied. Passions and desires aren't able to be compartmentalized. It’s not something that simply fits in a 2-hour time slot in which we can focus on it during that, and then move on.

A lot of my life lately has been of the organizational nature. I’ve had to be incredibly wise and diligent with my time in order to fulfill the obligations and tasks I either take (like Veritas) or others I’m subjected to (like homework). I’m thankful that I am able to do a lot of things that are using my talents and gifts God’s given me, and it is good. There’s a measure of me that loves the neatness I can create, my complex to do lists in which I can map out and plan everything I need to get done and do so, and the schedule I can easily follow. But, I’m honestly kind of tired of it.

I find myself overwhelmed with my passions and desires but feel like I don’t have the time to devote to them or to allow them to be manifested unless the world stopped spinning. And it frustrates me. My mind and heart is often so consumed with these passions and desires that it can feel like I’m just biding time in the things I do now. I know that’s not true, but it is hard to see it otherwise. I feel like I’m always waiting. That someday, there will be a time, but in the meantime, time keeps on passing by.

To some degree, I do understand these passions and desires in a broad concept. I believe God is leading me slowly to more specifics. But there’s a lot of waiting in there. There’s a lot of need of patience. There’s a lot of need in trust of God’s sovereignty.

Last quarter, I was really crippled with my passions and desires. I didn’t know how in the world I could possibly retain them, hope for them, live into them, wait for them, that I believe I became crippled and shut down. It’s been a long recovery process which I am still in to some degree. Sometimes, they just seem so lofty. Sometimes, they just seem too strong. Sometimes they feel naïve. Sometimes it feels like I am hoping for things that I shouldn’t, that I will be disappointed. Sometimes it feels like I am the only dreamer in a world of convenience, a world that does not lend itself to the pursuit of said dreams and passions.

I was crippled because the passions, desires, and dreams have always been so strong and I believe many grow stronger, but in waiting, my hopes just fell. The lack of manifestation of them in the present was rendering me disappointed. It just seemed so unrealistic, that I was trying to be a naïve girl in an adult world. In an adult world that doesn’t allow them or leave room for them.

But in the recovery process God’s been bringing me through, I’ve been reassured that these passions, desires, and dreams do have purpose. That I am not wrong or naïve to hope for them. As difficult and inconvenient as they can be at times, they are at the core of my existence, and I believe, part of my “calling,” though that’s a trite word. I don’t think the problem lies with the fact that we all have dreams, passions and desires. The problem lies in that we live in a world that doesn’t give room for them to be pursued or manifested. In saying this, I feel naïve still, but maybe God wants me to embrace those passions, fight for the manifestation of them, and allow Him to use it. I think the problem also lies in that we are scared to do so. It means change. It means embracing the unexplained, the things that aren’t readily explained and don’t make sense to others. I think sometimes we fight so hard to belong in an aspect we don’t need to. We don’t need to try and fall in the area of the commonplace. Instead, perhaps we are to be the first to stand up in a crowd, and be pleasantly surprised when many many more stand up with us.

In some ways still, I am crippled by the manifestation of said passions and desires, but God is leading the way. He’s helping me to see purpose in them. I’m now learning to understand and embrace them.

And hopefully soon, I’ll begin to walk in them.

Hopefully soon, this waiting time will be over.

But for now, He says wait. And I have to trust He knows what’s best.

Theme of 2008

It's pretty amazing that there could be a passage of scripture that encompasses so much of what has fallen within a year, but there is. God is good to give and reveal. He brought me back to Hebrews 6 tonight, and I remembered that different parts have been themes throughout the year. Yet, in its entirety, it speaks volumes. Volumes more than I ever could about what 2008 has brought. He is surely faithful.

Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, and of instruction about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And this we will do if God permits. For it is impossible to restore again to repentance those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they then fall away, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt. For land that has drunk the rain that often falls on it, and produces a crop useful to those for whose sake it is cultivated, receives a blessing from God. But if it bears thorns and thistles, it is worthless and near to being cursed, and its end is to be burned.

Though we speak in this way, yet in your case, beloved, we feel sure of better things—things that belong to salvation. For God is not so unjust as to overlook your work and the love that you showed for his sake in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.

For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek. Hebrews 6, ESV

Thought of Longsuffering

From my journal entry:
The hardest thing about longsuffering is the waiting on promises to be realized amidst the threatening thought that it never will be.